Her Loving Heart
by WordNerdMomma
Summary: Bella Swan is a Rehabilitation Nurse in Los Angeles, Ca. Imagine her horror when she finds out the next patient assigned to her is the same man from her past who bullied and then, in a drug induced haze, raped her! How will she be able to hold together not only her own life, but the life of her son. How will she ever be able to face HIM again. E/B OOC AH and an HEA eventually.
1. Chapter 1

This is not my first fic…I had to change my pen name and start all over, with a name and a new story, due to excessive bullying.

If you don't like my story, please don't torture me over it…Move on quietly and we'll all be happier. I write because it brings me joy, not for any sort of benefit or remuneration.

I don't own Twilight. I do own the bulk of my fictional story…Please remember that this is a work of FICTION; any resemblance to any person living or dead is purely coincidental.

**The first chapter of this story deals with bullying and eventually, rape! If you are sensitive to this sort of scenario, please do not read…**

Her Loving Heart

Chapter One:

Bella

June 2006

"Isabella smella, with the accent on the smella," Alice Cullen taunted as she danced around me, her black spikey hair flapping with her staccato gyrations. "Tell me, fat girl, did you eat the entire cafeteria at lunch?"

Alice Cullen was one of the four boons to my existence and I know that in a matter of moments, her three compatriots would start in on me, as well. One of the four, I could handle…but when the whole team mounted their offensive, I often felt the need to call for reinforcements.

Alice's fellow cronies were all seniors, the same as me.

Emmett McCarty and Rosalie Hale are a romantic fixture at Forks High. Emmett is a first class jock; built like a giant, with muscles for his muscles. His boyish dimples, blue eyes and curly brown hair give off an air of innocence that is betrayed by his true heartlessness. He's large and loud and not at all sensitive to the feelings of others. He's cruel and proud of that fact. Rosalie, his blond bombshell of a girlfriend, acts as if her poop didn't stink! I'm absolutely sure she's a future "Desperate Housewife" in training. Rosalie's sharp tongue could and often would raze me bloody, in mere moments.

The absolute worst of the four of them has to be Edward Cullen. With his easy good looks and his popularity, Edward had the resources to turn the whole school against someone, if he so desired. His family had money and clout…they were the most influential and affluent of families in this tiny town. His tousled bronze colored locks and bright green eyes were enhanced by a sharp square jaw, aquiline nose and achingly kissable lips. His emerald eyes were framed by a fringe of long dark lashes and bordered by thick neatly groomed brows. Edward is as beautiful as he is vile and heartless. Tall and lithe, he stalked about like a panther, seeking that which he may devour. Most, if not all, of the female population of Forks High, harbored some secret fantasy, where Edward Cullen played the leading role!

My mother always taught me to see things with my heart; to try and understand where another person's life had taken them before I passed judgment upon them. I was trying…I was trying really hard. It's kind of difficult when the ones you are trying to understand constantly make it their mission in life to grind your self-image into the dust.

When I turned the corner and walked out of the building, to the outer corridor, Alice's stupid juvenile ass still skipping and dancing around me, there they were. Waiting for me…the Forks High firing squad, ready and waiting to intercept and scathe me with their comments.

I stood up straighter, squared my shoulders and soldiered forward; trying to convince myself I was ready for their onslaught of nastiness.

I held my books closer to me like a shield, not wanting to even think about how they planned on going about driving my self-image down, today.

Isabella Swan, reporting for duty!

Unless you've walked in my shoes, you have no idea what it feels like to live as a square peg trying to fit in a round teenage cookie cutter hole. I mean, I may have been larger than most girls my age, but I wasn't disgusting! At five-feet and eight inches tall and one hundred seventy five pounds, yeah, I was corn fed, but I took care of myself. My hips and breasts are bountiful and my waist is nicely nipped…my tummy is relatively flat. Can we say definite hourglass figure? I have long dark brown hair and big brown eyes, paired with a creamy clear alabaster complexion. I smile easily and love to laugh.

But let's face it, being a size sixteen in a small school filled with size zero to twos, yeah I stick out like a sore thumb!

It wasn't so bad when I lived with my mother, in Los Angeles. Sure, any time you're different or outside the norm, you're set to be a big blip on the radar of most of the closed minded teenage plastics that seem to teem in the average high school populace.

With the diversity in a large city such as Los Angeles, there's a place, a clique if you will, for just about everyone. I had issues with some of my peers, but for the most part, I had a place in my world. There, I had friends…there were dances, boyfriends and girls' nights out as well as excellent grades, honor roll and a relatively nice car to drive. I was satisfied with my life and happy, in my corner of the sky.

Then, last year, just before my seventeenth birthday my mother, Renee, was gunned down in a drive-by shooting. She'd been at Walgreens, picking up a prescription…The shooters were never caught and never brought to justice for flagrantly taking the life of the woman who gave me life. They took away my best friend, that day… After her funeral, I packed up what I wanted, loaded it into my 2003 Kia Sportage and pointed my front bumper in the general direction of Washington State.

Three days later, I was pulling into my Aunt Charlotte's home, in the tiny town of Forks, Washington. I felt the culture and climate shock, before I even got out of my car. It was cold, rainy and verdant. A far cry from the life I led in the sunny concrete jungle that was LA.

Charlotte Whitlock and her son, my cousin Jasper were the only family I had left. I never knew my father and I never asked why. It was a secret that my mother took with her, to her grave. I guess I could have pushed her for the information, but that just wasn't how we worked. I had a great deal of respect for Renee Swan and she had just as much respect for me. She loved me enough for two parents, so I never really missed out on anything.

It was my mother's wish that, if something ever happened to her, that I finish out my high school education with her sister, my Aunt Charlotte, up in Washington. Most of our possessions were left in storage, in Los Angeles. Our condo in downtown LA, was currently being handled by my mother's two best 'girlfriends'…My uncles, Ronnie and James, with the stipulation that once I graduated high school, I would be returning to living there, while I went to college. See, my mother was a Hollywood make-up artist and my uncles often worked alongside her, as hairstylists…They were the cutest gay couple in all of Hollywood, in my opinion and I loved them as if they were related to me, by actual blood.

I fully intended on returning to California, after graduation, my heart set on studying nursing at UCLA. My mother was careful with her money and when she passed, everything that she saved became mine. Paired with a more than plentiful life insurance payoff, it was more than enough to carry me, through my college years, in simple comfort. I knew that that was what my mother wanted for me. I wasn't raised in extravagance, even though we could've afforded it…that was just not the way we lived.

Within days of arriving in Washington, my cousin Jasper became my best friend. We had always been relatively close, but when I actually had to be around him, for more than a casual visit, I found that he was an awful lot like me. Jasper's tall and lanky, with blond hair and bright blue eyes…He's got a calming personality and if he were any more laid back, the boy would be dead. Nothing, I mean nothing ever shook my dear cousin.

We were in the same grade and both of us were of above average intelligence, so we were in a lot of the same classes, in school. Jasper might have been easy going, but he could be commanding, when he needed to be. When that was necessary, soft spoken Jasper left the building and drill sergeant Jazz arrived, in his stead. This was a benefit that I appreciated, more than once, in my time at Forks High. Especially when dealing with the 'Fucktastic Foursome'!

And that brings us back to my current outer corridor standoff…

All I really wanted to do was get to my last class of the day and make my way home. I had an Econ exam I needed to study for. My grades were important to me! I needed to keep up an above average GPA to assure my place in the nursing program at UCLA.

It was May and I would be graduating in less than a month. I'd already been accepted to the university, as a pre-nursing student. Still, the better the grades in high school, the more of a chance I had at getting accepted into the nursing program, when I applied, in two years.

The Cullen-McCarty-Hale-other Cullen blockade just stood there, waiting for me to decide to either go around them or through them or turn tail and return from whence I came.

Rosalie was the first to make any sort of movement. She flicked at her hair, furtively, huffing in annoyance.

"I swear to God, why must we go through this, every day, Isabella? Haven't you learned yet, you fucking beached whale? You're not wanted here…You plague our school like a big fat tumor! Why don't you go back where you came from and leave us all in peace, huh?" She said, not bothering to look me in the face. She picked at her cuticles, while happily smacking on a giant wad of pink bubble gum.

I just stood there, looking at her. I didn't run away crying or hide my embarrassment from her by casting my eyes to the ground. I just stood there, looking her straight in the face.

"Yeah, Rosie's right," Emmett chimed in. "Why do we always have to see your fat ass waddling all over this campus, like a big ol bowl of jello?"

Alice, who I swear must have some sort of nervous disorder, began to flit again, chanting "Jello…Jello…Jello"

This was getting real old and I was just about to start in, when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I looked into the piercing blue eyes of my savior/cousin Jasper and he didn't look at all pleased.

My tense posture relaxed a bit, once Jasper arrived.

"When I got to biology and didn't see you in your seat, I thought I'd best come and check up on you, Cousin. Is everything copacetic or do I need to bust some heads, _again_?" Jasper questioned, searching my eyes for any sort of reason to go dipshit bowling, with his fists. Jasper didn't take kindly to anyone who had the nerve to assault or insult his kin.

Alice continued her "Jello Dance" cackling along as she did so…Jasper looked at her as if she were some sort of foreign.

"Thanks, Jasper…Everything's above board! These nice students were just reminding me, once again, how I interrupt their harmony, here at school with my presence. How my reubenesque-ness interrupts their ability to learn and flourish, while attending this institution of higher education. Basically, you know, same shit, different day," I stated plainly.

"You four are really something else, you know that? Does she scare you? Make you jealous? Or turn you on? What is it about Bella, that makes you hate her so much, that you have to fucking search her out, every day, just to ram the same damn insults down her throat. Here's a clue," Jasper explained, stepping around me, successfully putting himself between me and the Insult Brigade. "She knows you don't like her…She knows you think she's fat and ugly and she's not going ANYWHERE! See, unlike you, she has no other place to go, right now. Scumwads, just like you four, murdered her mother in a strip mall, almost a year ago and all Bella wants to do, is finish out the year here, so she can go back to her home in Los Angeles and get on with her life…Less than four weeks and you'll never have to see her again," Upon realizing what he'd just said, Jasper gasped and turned to me.

"Shit Bella, I'm sorry. Me and my big mouth!" I looked at Jasper and saw his eyes glistening with unshed tears. I'd asked him not to tell anyone of the real reason that I had to come to live with he and his mother, here in Forks and he'd kept my secret for almost a year. It wasn't anyone's business why I'd had to leave my home and I didn't want anyone's sympathetic looks…I didn't need their pity!

When I looked over at my four accusers, they looked unfazed. Edward was staring down; suddenly entranced with either the dirty walkway or his expensive Italian leather shoes…Emmett seem to be dumbfounded, scratching at the back of his head, as if it were infested with head lice, while looking at me with an empty expression on his face. Rosalie was toying with a lock of her own hair and Alice, at Jasper's admission, just sat right down on the cement and began to sob. She was definitely a strange duck!

"It's okay Jazz; you were only trying to help," I said, quietly, patting his cheek. I regarded the four people who daily made my life more difficult than it ought to be. "Jasper is right; all I want to do is finish the year out, graduate and leave! I'll even do you all a huge favor by opting to not take part in the commencement ceremony, that way you won't have to deal with me taking up so much space on _your _planet and I can be one day closer to going home," I finished, shifting my books from one arm, to the other.

I'd already decided that I wasn't going to take part in "walking the stage" with my class. I didn't belong here, with them. I didn't want to be here, with them. Circumstance had brought me to this hell-hole and Billy-be-damned if I wasn't going to be taking the first fast train outta Shitsville, right after that final bell rang, on graduation day.

Alice Cullen continued her caterwauling and the others just stood there, as Jasper pulled me by the arm, away from the grasp of my tormenters. I noticed that Edward had moved to his sister's side and knelt down, to place a hand on her shoulder. She looked up at him, with imploring eyes and he just shook his head, silently denying whatever it was she was trying to convey. Then, he looked up at me, his eyes green as the world around us, and sneered almost violently.

"Don't think, for a second, Isabella Swan, that you've been freed…You'll never ever fit into our world and as far as I'm concerned, it's still game on. You're fat ass should have stayed wherever it is, you came from…You are a blemish, on this school," He hissed. His minions chimed in with uneasy laughter and began a cacophony of raucous and cruel insults. What Jasper'd revealed about my life, meant nothing to them; they were still hell-bent on making me pay for events that were way beyond my control.

I didn't understand them.

I didn't understand how the group of them could be so heartless and malicious.

Maybe there was a lesson to be learned here; to appreciate what living with a loving heart meant as opposed to living with a coal black soul. People were people. No one was better or worse than the next. Importance was attained by how you lived your life and how much love you offered the world around you. It wasn't based on monetary worth or the abundance of possession. It could not be purchased or auctioned. It couldn't be traded or inherited. The value of life had to be earned and appreciated, then nurtured as it grew and flourished.

In a lot of ways, I felt sorry for this faction of high school kids. Would they ever learn the value of a happy and well lived life? Or would they forever be stuck in the mire of their own discriminating minds? I didn't even want to harbor a guess; that would mean that I was identifying with them, sympathizing even. And not for one moment, did I want or need to go there. Soon, they would be just a memory of a time that I'd work hard to forget.

Life went on!

The tormenting got worse!

Nothing anyone said or did would dissuade this pack of hyenas from their prey. I was tripped in the halls, forcibly dunked into the water fountain as I attempted to drink, had my locker broken into and everything within was covered with glue and feathers. Jasper was jumped after school and beaten black and blue; he never saw his attackers because they hit him from behind and knocked him out, before they kicked the shit out of him. Some unknown person keyed the side of my Kia to read "Fat Bitch" on the driver's side and "Watch the tires" on the passenger's side. Someone tried to set my aunt's house on fire and our mailbox was so routinely bashed and violated, Aunt Charlotte had to get a post office box.

Edward Cullen was still the worst of the worst. If he was assaulting me physically, he was staring at me with a look of hatred that I still didn't understand. It was if I was the most repulsive thing on the earth, to him. I often wondered what I'd ever done to make him so incensed with my presence.

It went on until the day of graduation.

True to my words, I'd spent the days before, packing and cleaning up after myself. I loaded my Kia with all of the belongings I'd brought with me from California. Before school, on that Wednesday morning, I kissed my Aunt Charlotte and hugged her close. I told her how much I appreciated her taking me in. I told her how sorry I was, about all of the things that had happened with that bunch of kids from school. I told her that I loved her and I walked out the door of her home.

Getting into my car, I headed towards Forks High School for the last time. I needed to pick up my diploma and a copy of my transcripts. The school was buzzing with the graduation excitement, when I arrived. There was no need for me to attend school today; it was going to be a half-day of graduation prep and since I wasn't taking part in that, I wasn't required to stay. Mrs. Reynholds, the school secretary handed me the things I'd needed and wished me well with my life and then I was walking out the big double doors, no longer a high school student, but my own person.

My dreamy thoughts had me so preoccupied, that I failed to notice the bulwark in front of me, until it was too late. I crashed head first, into a strong chest. Scattered at what'd happened, I looked up and saw the green fire that was in the eyes of Edward Cullen. His nostrils were flared and there was malice in his emerald orbs. He grabbed me by the arm and wrapped his other hand in my hair, pulling hard. Leaning in towards me, he whispered into my ear.

"Scream…make any noise at all, and I'll end you, you fat disgusting cunt," His pupils were unnaturally large, for daylight and his arms were vice like, in their strength. My heart battered against my ribcage as terror began to take over, pumping adrenaline, through my veins. I whimpered quietly and began to tremble. This only seemed to incite him, further. "I'm gonna teach you one last lesson, bitch…One that you'll surely not forget. And maybe, just maybe after I'm done with you, I'll let you get into that car and leave forever. Understand me?" I nodded

There was no one out in the parking lot. Most of the students and faculty were in their respective classrooms, celebrating the end of the school year. For others, it was the celebration of the end of their high school career.

For me, though, today was the beginning of a horrible incubus and when Edward said I'd never forget the lesson he was about to teach me, he didn't know how right he was.

He dragged me out of the parking lot, toward the wooded edge of the school grounds. Letting go of my arm, for a moment, he pushed me, so that I was laying stomach down over a fallen log. He lifted the modest skirt I was wearing, exposing my ass to the chill of the Olympic Peninsula. As he tore my panties from my body and I began to cry, not wanting to believe what was happening to me, at this moment.

This was supposed to be the first day of the rest of my life, not the start of a never ending nightmare. I was brought back into the moment by the rasping of a zipper being yanked down. He wrapped my hair tighter around his fist, forcing my neck into a painful position and grabbed my hip harshly, with his other hand, no doubt leaving bruises. My chin jutted out and I closed my eyes, wanting to forget the fact that I was trapped and Edward Cullen was about to take away the innocence I'd saved for someone I'd share my forever with. Trying to convince myself that this inhuman monster of a man-boy was _not_ about to rape me…

The true realization of my predicament came with searing, agonizing, soul bending pain. It hurt…so bad! I'd never felt a pain like this. It radiated from my lower half, across my back and all the way to my heart. I sobbed and began to plead with him to stop. He just laughed at me and said that this is what ugly girls like me, deserved. To be taken violently, in the dirt and filth. In that moment, I wanted my mommy! I wanted someone to save me; a white knight on a fiery steed. But even as I called out, to whomever might be listening, no one came.

The forest swallowed my cries for help as he continued to pound his body into mine. I tried to fight, clawing at the ground, trying to move myself away from him. He pulled tighter on my hair and I heard tendons begin to pop and the sound of my own hair, being torn from my already ravaged scalp. For a second, his grip on my hip was gone and then I felt him punch me in the side.

"Shut the fuck up, you dirty snatch, before I slit your fucking throat," He whisper yelled, his voice raspy and punctuated with intermittent gasping.

Ultimately, the terror gave way to a soul releasing peace and I shut down. My mind went completely white with denial and my body gave up the fight. I just lay there, in the dirt and debris of the forest, like a lamb for the slaughter. I let the madness ebb from me and then there was just nothing.

When I finally became aware of myself, again, I was alone. My attacker was gone and the forest was once again quiet. I rolled over cautiously and sat with my back against the log I'd been spread over. Hugging my knees to my chest and folding myself in and I wept.

Why? Why Me?

I was just an eighteen year old girl, anxious to begin anew…Overjoyed at the fact that I would finally be where I was wanted and needed.

Now, what was I going to do?

I was sullied...ruined! Life would never be the same for me, after today!

I don't really know how long I sat there, but I knew I couldn't sit there, forever. I had to get out of here; I had to leave and get home…I had to start my life and most importantly, I had to forget.

Gingerly, I stood and attempted to brush the remains of my surroundings from my clothes. I retrieved my bag and the envelope that held all of my school papers and as fear took over, I painfully stumbled back to the school parking lot. Just as it was when I was forced from it, the student parking lot was empty. It was still devoid of life, but there were just as many cars as there had been, before. That was a consolation to me, it wasn't yet noontime and I still had plenty of time, to reach the destination I'd planned for that day.

Finding my car, I wasted no time in climbing in carefully. Mindful of the pain in my lower midsection, I settled into the seat and started the engine. I didn't think about going to the hospital. Edward's father was the chief of medicine there…I didn't think about going to the police…Chances are, they wouldn't even listen to me, as I explained all of the heinous acts that Edward Cullen portrayed against me. It seemed as if he was Forks' golden boy; who'd believe a transplanted usurper from the bowels of Los Angeles, California? Shame kept me from going back to my Aunt's house…So I did what I knew; I drove.

I don't remember most of the drive from Forks to Portland.

I don't remember checking into the first Motel 6, I could find, right off the highway. I remembered that I hadn't eaten nor had I had anything to drink, since I left Aunt Charlotte's house, this morning. Even at that, I didn't want anything to eat or drink. I doubt my body could handle the stress of food at this point…There would be many opportunities for eating, in the future; all I wanted right now, was to feel clean and then to sleep.

Pulling my overnight bag from the backseat of the car, I hobbled uncomfortably to the room I'd been given for the night. I closed and locked all of the locks on the door and as soon as it was secure, I shed every stitch of clothing I was wearing and tossed the whole lot into the trash can, in the bathroom.

Thankfully, hotel showers don't run out of hot water or at least, this one didn't. I showered for more than an hour, scrubbing my body clean, several times over. Reliving every moment of my attack and every little thing Edward Cullen did to me and crying miserably, through the entire ordeal.

When I got out, the bathroom mirrors showed me that I was indeed bruised over most of my lower torso. My skin was tender and my lady parts? Well, we won't go there, because to go there, would be a trip to ultimate pain. I was thankful that I had another two days of driving ahead of me. Originally, Aunt Charlotte wanted Jasper to accompany me. But my pig-headed Swan stubbornness won out and I convinced her that I'd be okay; that I didn't want to waste any time. I also didn't want to take any of Jasper's graduation festivities away from him, by making him leave with me.

If I'd known then, what I know now, I would have not been that stubborn, pig-headed Swan!

Reviews are appreciated, but not mandatory! Anonymous reviews with a negative nature will be deleted. If you have something negative to say, please PM me, so I have the opportunity to respond and explain myself.

Thanks so much for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Howdy readers…It's a little later than I'd planned! I wanted it done last night, but stuff happens! Thanks so much for all of your kind and constructive comments…I will remind everyone, though…This is fiction and it's my fiction. I appreciate how you feel, but trust me…I have a vision for these characters! I'm really blown away with the amount of follows and favorites I've received over the past twenty four hours…and even if you don't review, I'm glad you're here reading!

I don't own anything Twilight!

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 2

Bella

September 2006

I've been back in Cali for three months and damn, has life changed for me.

When I arrived at the condo, I was totally surprised that Ronnie and James had gotten everything out of storage and set up house, just like it was, before Mom passed away. When I walked in and saw the place, I completely broke down into hysterics. I still needed my mommy; James and Ronnie stepped right in and I was surrounded by two sets of loving arms.

When I told them about what happened, they took me, by force to Cedars-Sinai Med Center…That's where I met Jacob Black. At first, I was terrified of him. He was a man; a large, strange and imposing man. He looked as menacing, even more so than the one who did this to me. He was tall and softly muscular; his copper colored skin and long dark hair hinted to a Hispanic or Native American parentage. I found out that the latter was the case. He was of the Quileute nation and grew up in La Push, Washington. Just a stone's throw away from where I'd fled, not three days prior. All of this information sent me into a panic attack and I had to be restrained and a mild sedative administered.

It was then that Ronnie and James explained to him, what had happened to me. After hearing mstoryy , Dr. Jacob Black broke his own protocol and explained to me, what his lifestyle was and that I had nothing to worry about, while in his care.

Dr. Jacob Black…

Cross Dressing Transsexual Dr. Jacob Black…

When he worked, he was Jacob and in his off time, he was Julia. It didn't bother me, though. He was nice and kinda pretty for an old guy/tranny.

I got the whole post rape treatment; rape kit and all. Dr. Black ran a full blood screen and toxicology report. Swabs were swiped and cultured; photographs were taken of my injuries and references to rape and sexual assault support groups were given. I was also referred to Dr. Carmen Denali, a rape counselor who specialized in teenage sexual assault victims.

Thankfully, I'd had no permanent damage. It would take time to heal, because of the nature of the assault, but I would be fine, physically, in time.

Emotionally?

Now that was another story altogether.

It started with nightmares and progressed to agoraphobia. I didn't sleep at night, preferring to sleep through the day. I was afraid to be out in public, among people. I was terrified if someone, anyone came up from behind me. It took me an hour and a half to psych myself up enough to go out the door, to my car. Even if I managed to get out the door, the short walk from the condo to the car was disturbingly frightening.

Eventually, I just stopped going out alone…Julia would come on her off days and take me to my appointments or my support group and when she couldn't, Ronnie or James stood in her stead. I knew this was taking a toll on all of them and it made me feel like shit, for being such a dependent burden on all of them. This went on for four weeks…and then I'd had enough!

I just stopped going out, all together. For two weeks, I didn't leave my house. I refused to answer the door; I stopped picking up the telephone.

I really just wanted to be left completely alone. My demons haunted me, day and night. I relived that painful morning, so many times. I blamed myself for not fighting as hard as I could have. I blamed Edward Cullen, because it was his decision to ruin a young girls' life, for his own evil purpose. I blamed Jasper for not knowing I was in danger…for not feeling my terror. I blamed God, because bad things should never happen to good people.

I know that my blaming was all horribly misplaced, but I was in a dark place and I just couldn't convince myself that there was anything good left in my life…There was nothing left to fight for. My mother was dead. All of my dreams and expectations were destroyed because of the immoral malevolence of one really sick man. I was a prisoner in my own mind; a prisoner in my own home.

After so many months of being the whipping girl to four seemingly perfect people, I wanted to give up. Then add the rape to the top of the heap and it became an insurmountable pile of emotional garbage. It was burying me, bit by disgusting bit.

I fell ill, shortly after I forced myself into seclusion.

I spent day after agonizing day with nightmares, nausea and vomiting; it weighed hard on my already weakened body and spirit. After a while, the phone stopped ringing and the banging on the door stopped. Part of that though, was because Ronnie and James were both on location, with a film crew, in Bali. I guess Julia was just too busy…That wasn't the case at all, later, I found out that Julia'd spoken to Dr. Carmen and was told to just let me be, for a while…That eventually, I'd creep out from wherever I'd hidden myself.

Julia didn't feel that that was in my best interest and her nagging feeling of dread became full on worry!

If Julia hadn't had the sense to call the police and have them perform a welfare check on me, after I hadn't made any of my appointments and no one had seen me at my support group, I would be dead right now.

I'd lost consciousness on the bathroom floor; Seeing me there, Dr. Julia unceremoniously scooped me up, piled me into her car and drove me back to Cedars. She didn't even have time to morph back into Jacob. She just lied and told everyone involved that she was his cousin.

While in the hospital, it was determined that I was suffering from dehydration and malnutrition and something else…

I was goddamn pregnant with the whelp of the most despicable person I've ever met, so far! My blood tests from when I first went in to see Doctor Jacob were all clean, surprisingly…but it would have been too soon for the HCG, the pregnancy hormone, to be present in my bloodstream.

Well it was present now…I was almost five weeks pregnant.

I simmered, stewed even, in my anger. I steeped in my disgust! Julia called Jasper and Aunt Charlotte and they came from Washington, the very next day.

I had to tell them everything took place, on my last morning in Forks…I had to see their disbelief turn into anger and then into sorrow and back to anger. And then, I had to tell them I was pregnant. Both Jasper and Charlotte chastised me for not coming to them! Dr. Jacob explained to them about my emotional shock, the damage that I had sustained physically and the shame involved in a sexual assault. He also told them that when you pair that with my young age and what I'd been through, regarding the bullying, it was no wonder that I was even still living right now. More often than not, attacks like mine result in the victim committing suicide.

When I was feeling well enough to think about the future of this baby, Dr. Carmen came to see me. We spent almost two hours together, trying to come up with a solution to my not so little predicament. I didn't believe in abortion, under anything less than life threatening conditions. Each life had a purpose; each life had a reason for becoming a life.

I wasn't in a life threatening condition, so that option was out!

I thought about giving the baby up for adoption and had to think about that for a while…It wasn't the baby's fault he or she was created in a less than perfect circumstance. He or she did nothing wrong, was innocent of all wrong doing.

Could I allow something good and perfect grow from something so hideous and filthy?

It would mean that no matter how hard I tried to forget what had happened to me, Edward Cullen would be, in a way, part of my life forever. Right now, I hated him! I wanted him to suffer in the worst possible way!

I wanted him to hurt, just exactly like I had.

Dr. Carmen stressed, many times, that in order to move forward with my life and experience true healing, I would have to forgive my attacker! I didn't have to do it right this minute and I didn't have to forget the severity of the liberties that were taken, but eventually…

I would have to forgive the act sooner, rather than later, because if I was going to keep this baby and he or she looked like Edward, I would never be able to hold anything against them, because of their parentage. Could I do that?

I went home from the hospital, a few days later, prenatal vitamins and a fist full of pamphlets in tow, along with a card that listed my first obstetrics appointment with Dr. Vladimir Westov, who Jacob referred to as "the blond cutie, from upstairs". I had to roll my eyes.

Aunt Charlotte and Jasper decided to stay and keep me company, for a while. I know that what they were really doing was staying to make sure that I was being taken care of. That was a good thing, because I was scheduled to start school in the second week of September and it was already the middle of August. I had no idea how I'd be able to function on a large college campus, like UCLA. Just going out in public was still absolutely nerve wracking for me…and I still had absolutely no idea what I was going to do regarding my little stranger.

Jasper was still planning on going into the Army, so he could enlist from wherever he was living. Aunt Charlotte claimed she was ready to retire, anyway, so that's what she did. When she explained to the accounting firm where she was a partner, what had happened to me, they told her she needed to take care of her family! They accepted her retirement and were almost sad that they couldn't send her off, with a grand party. That's the last thing my aunt wanted. She was very much like me; a home-body who was not interested in the grandness that seemed to be the center of a life of wealth and privilege.

Charlotte was my mother's much, much older sister and she'd had Jasper, her miracle baby, when she was forty-four. So basically my Aunt was more like a grandmother to me. Aunt or Grandmother, she was still mine and I loved her. I was once again, indebted to her, for taking time out of her life, to care for me. She'd always tell me that my mother would have done the same things for her, had roles been reversed.

Two weeks had passed and I'd spent as much time as I could, thinking about my life and the course it was on.

Long story short…I decided to keep my baby!

After seeing my little nodule on the sonogram monitor, during my first visit with Dr. Westov and feeling that sense of serenity, as I thought about being a mom, I just couldn't think of killing my baby or giving it away to someone else to raise. It would be tough, but my mother was a single parent and she got along just fine. I never wanted for anything and like I said before, she loved me enough for two parents.

I also decided to enroll in college, but all of the classes I would be taking would be given online. Since I was still just taking the required courses to get into the nursing program, it wouldn't be too hard, to do in absentia. If I had to go to campus at all, Aunt Charlotte said she'd escort me or she'd have Jasper or one of the others accompany me. I hated living like a shut-in, but until I could function within the parameters of society without freaking the fuck out, this would have to do.

I started going back to my support group, on Mondays and Wednesdays; One of the other girls in the group who was my age, but was a little farther along in her journey than I was, offered to pick me up and drop me home each afternoon. I was very thankful for Tanya…Her friendship was very comforting to me. We'd been through the same sort of ordeal and we understood each other's little quirks and forgave each other's shortcomings.

She ended up spending a great deal of time at the condo, so she got to know Jasper and Charlotte, quite well. I could see that Jasper was nearly as hooked on her as she was on him. Tanya was a pretty girl; she was rather short with white blond hair and azure blue eyes. Her voice reminded me of tinkling bells, she was so very soft spoken. I think this is what Jasper appreciated the most about Tanya. She was demure and exquisitely laid back.

I also started going back to see Doctor Carmen.

We worked on my feelings and how to cope with giving birth to the child of the man that changed so much of my life. We also worked on learning how to cope with the world outside my condo. I found out, quite by accident one day, that Carmen was Tanya's mother. Tanya never purposefully hid that from me, it just didn't seem important. It's not like it mattered, either; Carmen couldn't talk to Tanya about anything regarding me and Tanya wouldn't tell her anything, unless she was afraid I'd hurt myself or someone else.

School started for me and I was overjoyed to have something to do to fill up the empty hours of the day. I usually only had to go onto campus once or twice a week, to check in with my advisor and connect with one or two of my professors. Tanya usually went with me and sometimes, Jasper tagged along.

Being out in public was getting easier, for me. As I continued with my support group and my counseling, I found coping with things a lot less difficult. Now, I could actually get in my car and drive to the supermarket without having a panic attack and as long as I had someone with me, I could actually get out, go inside and buy some groceries.

I was taking little steps, but at least they were in the forward direction and not backwards or sideways.

After I hit my thirteenth week of pregnancy, my morning sickness all but disappeared. I still had some nasty heartburn, but Aunt Charlotte saw to it that I had a years' supply of Tums available to me, at all times.

Telling Tanya and my support group that I was pregnant by the man who raped me, was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. The second hardest thing I had to do was to tell them that I planned to keep my baby. There were a lot of questions and a lot of the girls disagreed with my decision, but for the most part, people were outwardly supportive. Whatever they said when my back was turned was not my concern.

I'd like to say that my nightmares had gone away and that I could sleep through the night, but then I would be lying and that's just not right. Due to my pregnancy, there was nothing that Doctor Westov could prescribe to me that would help me with my sleep issues. I was strictly dependent on Chamomile tea…I drank lots of Chamomile tea.

I'm not really sure that it even helped me sleep; sometimes, it just gave me heartburn.

When I was twenty weeks pregnant, I went alone, for the first time, to see Doctor Westov. I would be having another sonogram and if my little noodle was cooperating, I'd get to find out whether it was a pink noodle or a blue noodle. I was nervous about going unaccompanied; Cedars was a very large hospital. But this was something Noodle and I had to do, together. I wanted this precious time, between Noodle and I to remember and cherish in my heart, for all time. My family and friends let me go stating they'd all be there, when I returned, waiting with baited breath. I knew money would be changing hands, because there had been bets made on the sex of my noodle.

When I left Doctor Westov's office, I was pretty sure I was glowing. Doctor Westov's nurse, Nancy handed me a baby blue t-shirt to wear home that said "I'm carrying a Momma's Boy" on the front. I laughed and then cried, when I saw it.

Sheesh, my emotions were all over the place!

Nancy hugged me and handed me a tissue. They'd given these t-shirts to every new mother who'd been given the gift of cooperation, at their twenty-week sonogram, for a while. I walked out of the office, higher than a kite on a windy day! I'd already picked out my little blue noodle's name.

Liam Christopher Swan; my son!

When I arrived home, there was a party waiting for me. Julia and Dr. Westov were both there, along with Charlotte, Jasper, Tanya and James and Ronnie. And yes, plenty of money was changing hands. I got to see, first hand, how much of a sore loser Julia was…She all but accused me of having a boy on purpose, so she'd have to fork over $350.00 each to Jasper and James.

The party was a great change of pace for me. I got to relax and eat cake. Cake was my favorite; didn't make a difference to me, what kind of cake. Cake was good! Everyone was happy and smiling and for the first time, in a long time, I let myself let go and just enjoy the moments with my friends and family.

As the afternoon wound down my thoughts, though not totally welcomed or expected, drew towards Edward Cullen.

What would life be like, if we were happily together and experiencing this as a couple?

Would he be happy to be a young father?

I had to admit to myself, that I wanted and needed to forgive him, for what he'd done. Jasper'd told me that the whole group of them, Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and Edward had been busted for using drugs and Edward, who was in the worst trouble, had been carted off to a rehab clinic in Florida, a week after graduation.

He'd been using heroin and PCP and that he'd been dropping acid for the entire month, prior to my attack. This revelation didn't in any way, excuse the heinousness of his actions, in the least. But to me, it explained them in a way I could at least understand.

I didn't know a lot about illegal drugs, but I knew those two were really bad and LSD? What could have happened in the seemingly perfect life of Edward Cullen to justify the use of such dangerous and powerful drugs?

The world may never know!

Charlotte and Jasper were perplexed as to why I refused to file charges against Edward, for what he'd done to me. Part of me wanted him to pay for what he'd done. The more sensitive and understanding side of me knew that there was more going on his life than what he'd shown in his outward appearances.

It would be very easy for me to hate Edward Cullen.

I wanted to…I really did!

But that would go against everything my mother ever taught me and going against her teaching would be to dishonor and disrespect her memory. The things she taught me and the memories I had were all I had left of her and she'd be so disappointed and ashamed of me, if I devalued the things she worked so hard to engrain in me.

I could never ever do that. I couldn't live with myself if I thought my mother was ashamed of me.

Renee Swan believed that love would conquer all; that there was no storm love could not calm. There was no mountain love could not pull down and no hold that love could not sever. She taught me that hate was all consuming; that in a heart where hate lived, there was no room for love. She used to tell me that she always saw how much love I had in my heart; that she was so proud of the giving and unselfish young woman I was becoming.

I needed to forgive Edward Cullen and I didn't expect that anyone would ever understand why. Really, it's no one's business but my own. I knew it would take some time and some healing to do it, but I had faith and tenacity and if I set my mind on something, come hill or high water, I would see it through.

From September to February, things went along pretty hunky dory. My pregnancy was progressing with textbook accuracy. Liam was growing like a weed under glass and I had the body to prove it. I have to say, I was thrilled with feeling the life growing inside me. It was something so primal, so natural and despite his volatile beginning, I had no doubt in my mind that Liam would be the best blessing in my life. Dealing with the backaches and the swollen feet and the cravings for weird foods were a little disconcerting, but women had babies, everyday and I was lucky to have three of the most positive women in my life… Well, two and one faux woman! My Aunt Charlotte and Tanya were godsends and Julia was as big a blessing as she was a pain in my ass! They were there with me, through every appointment and every milestone. They dried tears of sorrow and tears of frustration; they laughed with me and didn't cringe everytime I asked for sardines and kimchee on sourdough toast.

School was going really well.

Originally, rules for first year students stated that I had to live in one of the dormitories, on campus; but Dr. Jacob went to bat for me and had me excluded from that rule, due to the fact that I was a recent victim of a violent sexual assault. The Dean was very understanding once she knew what happened to me and that I'd fallen pregnant, because of said attack.

I'd aced my fall quarter classes with straight As. I was so very proud of myself.

Three of the six classes I'd chosen for spring quarter, I was able to take online, the other three, I actually had to attend on the campus and I'd made up my mind to do it alone.

At first, I was timid and scared…afraid of my own shadow. Here's where Dr. Carmen rescued me! She reminded me that it was okay to hide away, for a time; to heal and recover from what happened and to learn how to cope with seeing the world from a whole new perspective. But, eventually, I was going to have to face that world again. Aunt Charlotte also inspired me to leave my comfort zone when she sat me down and told me that my mother wouldn't have wanted this for me. Yes, bad things happen to good people, but I had a gift of love and compassion to share with humanity and I couldn't do that, sequestered…hidden away in the safety of my home.

A rose would never bloom in the shade!

I believed her!

So, mountain get outta my way!

I set my heart and my mind to getting on with the life God meant for me. I wouldn't let the monster that _was_ rape, take away my life, my freedom and my happiness.

I also decided to take a yoga for preggos class at the YWCA and after Liam was born, I wanted to start taking a self-defense class and was also thinking about taking up kick boxing or Tae Kwon Do. That was Dr. Carmen's recommendation. She told me that maybe if I felt strong and that I could adequately defend myself, it would help me feel more secure, being out in public.

I couldn't agree with her more.

It was on a warm sunny March morning that Liam Christopher Swan decided to make his way into my arms. I'd started having contractions the night before and by early early morning, my water had broken, my cervix was dilated and I was pushing out my sweet baby boy. Laying there, though, with my feet in those stirrups attempting to push something the size of a watermelon out a hole the size of a lemon, sweet was the word furthest from my vocabulary. I cursed just about everyone in the room and one person decidedly **not** in the room…

A person with the initials of EC.

Tanya stayed with me, the entire time. She was the one that severed the Liam's link to my body, after I'd pushed for what seemed like a century. When they laid his sweet little body on my chest and I looked into his big eyes, nothing in the world moved. Time stopped and I swear I heard my mother's voice whisper in my ear, "Welcome home, my darling girl…I'm so proud of you,"

Both Tanya and I cried…Nurse Nancy cried…Dr. Westov cried and then the most wonderful sound to ever grace my ears rang through the room.

My son cried.

His birth certificate read Liam Christopher Swan: Born March 13, 2007 at 10:37 am. Weight: 9 pounds 12 ounces Height: 25 inches Mother: Isabella Marie Swan Father: Edward Cullen.

And I was right, my little Liam Noodle Boy became the best and biggest blessing in my life!

AN: Baby Liam Christopher was actually named after two of my favorite Aussies…Liam and Christopher Hemsworth and I'm actually quite infatuated with Patrick Brennan, who played Liam in Breaking Dawn Part Two…I met him at the Premiere Fan Camp in November…

What a frickin' hottie! What can I say, I'm old, sue me!

I won't have a specific schedule for updating…I write when I can.

Next chapter will time jump seven years.

Thanks again for all of the wonderful words and happy reading!


	3. Her Loving Heart Chapter 3

_**Well, here we are for Chapter Three…I just want to say thanks to all of my readers who've left reviews! I appreciate them so so much! And to my readers who don't leave reviews…Thanks for being here and reading! **_

_**Some of you have made some really disheartening comments about my Bella, her situation and her ability to forgive and eventually, have her happily ever after…All I can say is there are a lot of different people that make this world go round and sometimes, extraordinary people rise through horrendous circumstances…Trust me, it is possible to forgive something so heinous! I know from personal experience, myself! I leave you with this quote from Shakespeare's Troilus and Cressida… "Wide unclasp the tables of their thoughts"**_

_**To the guest reviewer who left me a lengthy review and is "enthralled with my story" I wished you'd logged in so I could thank you in person…You really honestly made my day! Thank-you for such kind words!**_

_**Oh and remember…**_

_**IT'S STILL JUST FICTION!**_

_**Video for Bella's Song is posted on my profile…**_

_**I don't own anything Twilight…I'm not a nurse and I've never been in the Air Force and I don't know much about Tae Kwon Do. All my info comes from research**_.

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 3

Bella

February 2012

Bella's Song

**"Unbreakable"**

**Fireflight**

Where are the people that accused me?  
The ones who beat me down and bruised me  
They hide just out of sight  
Can't face me in the light  
They'll return but I'll be stronger  
God, I want to dream again  
Take me where I've never been  
I want to go there  
This time I'm not scared  
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable  
No one can touch me  
Nothing can stop me  
Sometimes it's hard to just keep going  
But faith is moving without knowing  
Can I trust what I can't see?  
To reach my destiny  
I want to take control but I know better  
God, I want to dream again  
Take me where I've never been  
I want to go there  
This time I'm not scared  
Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable  
No one can touch me  
Nothing can stop me  
Forget the fear it's just a crutch  
That tries to hold you back  
And turn your dreams to dust  
All you need to do is just trust

Next month, my Noodle Boy will be five years old.

Where have the years gone?

Oh yeah, school, internship, work and raising Liam!

I graduated from the Nursing Program at UCLA with my Bachelor's Degree, in May of 2011; a full year ahead of schedule. I took extra classes and worked hard, to finish my program early. I graduated with honors, received my licensure and was hired at Rancho Los Amigos, where I interned during my training. Through my internship, I found that I really loved rehabilitory nursing. I also found that I was really good at it. Nurses are hired and assigned to one specific department; I chose to work with amputee patients and was welcomed, with open arms, onto Dr. Chang's team.

I loved every single minute of my job.

Liam is getting so big!

He was a big baby and he just kept getting bigger. At four and a half years old, he is the size of a larger six year old. He isn't overweight; quite the opposite, actually…He's just really tall and lanky. When Liam was a baby, I decided I would try to see Liam as Liam. I didn't want to sit around and pick apart his parts, trying to decide which ones belonged to his father and which ones he inherited from me. Like I said, Liam's tall, he has wide green eyes and coffee brown hair. He loves his hair clipped short in the back and around the sides, while he left the top in a casual mess. His nose is aquiline, his lips rosy and full and his jaw, sharply square.

He is all boy!

He loves to play in the yard, with his tractors and dump trucks. He loves Cars and Buzz Lightyear. He rides his bike with supervision and loves to help mommy and Grammy Char in the kitchen. Liam, at four and a half, is already a ladies' man. He's charmed just about any female he's met. Babies all the way to Grandmas are all subject to his "manly magnetism" as Uncle Jasper calls it.

Liam loves books and playing games with anyone willing to lose to him. He loves going to the zoo with Auntie Julia and Uncle Vlad and getting ice cream with Uncle James and Uncle Ronnie. The one thing he loves the most is playing with his baby cousin Claradith…Uncle Jasper married Auntie Tanya when Liam was two and let me tell you, he was the cutest little tuxedo wearing ring-bearer ever to be seen. A year ago, Tanya gave birth to their first daughter, Claire Meredith. Liam decided that that name was just too long for such a little girl, so he started calling her Claradith. It stuck and here we are…Just about everyone calls her Claradith. She's Liam's fat little blond haired, blue eyed angel and he loves her more than Oreos.

Aunt Charlotte decided that sunny California was where she wanted to be, afterall, so she sold her house and moved all of her things here. When the condo next door to me went up for sale, Charlotte snapped it up, in a New York minute.

Jasper and Tanya lived only a stone's throw away. None of the condos around me were for sale, when they were looking to purchase, right before Claradith was born. So they chose one, literally, right down the street. Less than a five minute walk from where we lived.

Jasper joined the Air Force Reserves in 2008 after discovering that the March Air Reserve Base in Riverside was one of the oldest military installments in the United States. If there is one thing Jasper loved more than his family and food, it was history, specifically Military history. After his basic training, he came back home and enrolled at UCLA. He graduated three years later, with a BS in US History and then went to work full time at March, as a First Lieutenant Historian. Jasper is completely and totally dedicated to his family, his home and his corps. In my mind, he is a true patriot and he is also still my best friend…along with his wife, who is my best _girlfriend_.

My love life couldn't be more uninteresting. In fact, if they were to make a reality television show about my love life, I'm sure it would be called "Lifestyles of the Dull and Boring". I've tried to get over my aversion to physical contact with men, but it's been very difficult. Once I can ascertain that they want to move past the platonic friend phase, I completely freeze and then bolt. I've dated a few times, but nothing too serious or too lasting.

It's something I've been trying to work out with Dr. Carmen, who I still see, twice a month. I stopped going to my Monday and Wednesday support group, as a patient when I turned twenty-one. Now, I was a group facilitator, leading the group every other week. I split the facilitator duties with Tanya, who'd graduated to the position about a month before I did.

We are a good team!

I still have nightmares from time to time and I'm still really cautious in parking areas. I get nervous when people walk behind me and I hate it if someone tries to whisper in my ear. Well, except for Liam…Sometimes, he has 'a secret, mommy' and mommy has to listen without running to the bathroom to vomit.

When I finished with breast feeding Liam, I started taking Tae Kwon Do.

Dr. Carmen was right!

Tae Kwon Do made me stronger and more flexible. I grew more confident with each passing belt. I still go to Dojang, a Korean Dojo, twice a week and am currently a red and black belt…The two tone belt that comes before black and after red.

I'm one badass momma!

Liam loves to come to matches and 'watch Mommy kick butt'.

Fighting's also helped me take of my baby weight and tone my body, so that I'm more streamlined. I feel absolutely fantastic about how I look. I was a size sixteen in High School, a size twenty when Liam was born and now, I was a svelte size ten.

As a mother, I've learned that there are lots of things you do, just for the sake of someone else. Like making peanut butter sandwiches at 2 o'clock in the morning after your finicky three year old refused to eat his dinner and got 'so hungry his stomach was eating him inside out, mommy'. Or learning to make homemade play-doh only to have to go back and learn how to get the stains from said Play-Doh off the walls. Cleaning up vomit, diarrhea diapers, colic at 2 am after not having slept for what seems like a year, T-ball practice owies, inoculating your child against cooties and temper tantrums in the middle of WalMart…

All benefits of being a mom!

It's the toughest job you'll ever love and _I_ wouldn't trade it for anything.

There were times when I still thought about Edward Cullen. I wondered if he'd ever gotten his life together; whether he even remembered me and or what he did. I can't help but feel…

You know what? I really don't know what I feel…

How can someone feel anything for a person who stole their innocence against their will? How am I supposed to explain to those around me, that I cannot hate the man who did this to me?

I've tried, in the past to rationalize how I see things, to other people.

They just don't understand!

I've never, for a second, walked in Edward Cullen's shoes. I have no idea, beyond the knowledge that he was using drugs, as to what his life was like, when he decided to do what he did.

I've forgiven him and his group of friends and I hope they've all gotten the help that they needed and moved on, with their lives. I hope they've made something of themselves and are living both happily and productively.

Five O'clock in the morning, comes early…I was sleeping peacefully until the alarm began to blare, waking me for another adventurous Monday, here on Planet Earth.

Yeah, riiiiight…

_Tell yourself all the pretty shit you want, girl! You know you just want to malinger here in bed and not have to deal with rush-hour traffic._

Ughhh, traffic!

Raising my head off of my pillow, I blinked and then looked around the room…Nothing changed here, while I was dead to the world. Dang, I thought that maybe, if I wished hard enough, when I looked around, I'd see Christopher Hemsworth, standing there in almost nothing, waiting to declare his undying love for me.

Hey, just because I have issues with sex and relationships, doesn't mean I can't appreciate a good looking man with an unnaturally fuck-hot body! I mean, who doesn't love Thor?

_Mmmmmm Hammers!_

I'm damaged, not dead!

Stretching, I sat up and swung my feet over the side of the bed and propelled myself upward and onward. It was a new day and besides the fact that I hated traffic, I usually loved the weekdays. I stood, stripped and trotted butt naked, across my bedroom towards my en suite. I stepped into the shower and did the early morning freezing water dance until the spray warmed. When will I ever learn that it is possible to start the water _before _you try to get into the shower?

The world may never know.

Finishing with my normal morning ablutions I wrapped my towel around my body and went back into my room, to dress for work. That's when I noticed the not so small lump in my bed, that hadn't been there when I vacated it for my shower. Scrutinizing it more carefully, I could see the coffee brown hair, sticking up from the burrito blanket wrappings around my nearly five year old son. And from the ease and rhythm of his breathing, I could tell he'd fallen back to sleep.

Laughing quietly to myself, I headed to my closet and chose my clothes for the day. Sure, I had to wear scrubs, but at least they could be cute and not the standard ugly slate blue or algae green shit they had to wear in the "Big Hospital".

Today, I chose Big Bird yellow! Shimmying into boring white cotton panties and an equally boring white bra, I looked at myself in the full length mirror, inside my makeshift dressing room.

Pretty damn good, if you asked me!

Firm muscle with soft curves…No fat rolls and no protruding bones which would indicate a trend toward either end of a really unhealthy spectrum. My wet hair hung down, almost to my ass and was still a dark chestnut shade. My deep baby browns were still wide and alight with happiness and the ink on my right shoulder blade was still bright and vibrant.

Yes, I've been branded! I blame Tanya!

When Liam turned one year old, Tanya dared me to go and get some ink done. I told her to go piss up a tree and then, she double-dog dared me. Now, I'm normally a grounded and level headed person, but when my best girlfriend double-dog dares me to do something I subconsciously want to do anyway?

Well, it was on like Donkey Kong!

Yeah, I'll admit it, I like the look of a little ink, strategically placed…It's artistic and sexy as hell! I'm not talking about the tatt addicts who walk around, looking like human coloring books. In my opinion, when it comes to body art, less is more.

A smoking six shooter with a yellow rose through the trigger, branded on my right shoulder was the end result.

Why a smoking six shooter with a yellow rose for the trigger, you ask? To me, it screamed dangerous innocence with a hint of deadly finality! It was the testament to my life, up to that point…Or something like that!

Hell, what did I know? I was barely twenty when I got it.

Shaking my ass at myself and stifling a little giggle, I pulled on my scrubs and grabbed my socks and my yellow crocs. Crossing the room, I plunked myself down on the bed and tugged on my Big Bird socks and slid into my shoes. Reaching over, I shook the lump on my bed and to my surprise, it giggled.

Suddenly, my covers erupted and there was my big boy, standing on my bed in his Hulk pose.

My little hero!

"Good morning, Mommy. I came in to wake you up, but you were already up, so I got in your bed to snuggle," He said as he plopped down into my lap. He tilted his little face up to me and I kissed his nose as he cuddled into my chest.

"Good morning, my little noodle! You, know? I was wondering what that big lump was, in the middle of my bed! How did you sleep, little man?" I asked as he squirmed to break free of my grasp. I ruffled his hair and tickled his ribs, which brought on more squirming and lots of giggling.

I set Liam down on the floor and patted his bottom as he ran out of my room, a blur of flopsy brown hair and Phineas and Ferb jammies. He knew what he needed to do to get ready for the day. Usually, I would go downstairs and make his breakfast, while packing my lunch as he dressed for the day and brushed his teeth. Today was no different than any other day. Grammy Char would be over in a half an hour or so, to stay with him while I worked. I found an odd sense of peace in our morning ritual.

It worked for us.

I smiled when I heard the coffee pot click on as the smell of morning brain cells, filled the air. I absolutely couldn't even think about dealing with those bozos in their cars without my morning go juice.

Neither Liam nor I were particularly fond of mornings, but we both seemed to find our way around each other, just fine, without a lot of gab and jabber. But, with a nearly five year old, you never knew what any particular day would bring. Some days, he was very chatty…others, he was content to sit in the living room and munch his ceremonial peanut butter toast while watching Sponge-Bob.

Just as I was pouring my coffee into my commuter mug, the front door opened and I could hear Aunt Charlotte greet Liam, as she casually sauntered in. She made her way to the kitchen table and sat down in front of the cup of coffee I'd already poured for her.

"Dang, girlie," she said, shading her eyes. "Do those scrubs come with volume control?" I laughed and set my lunch and my mug on the table.

"Nope, I plan to blind all of my patients today, so they can't see me coming to haul them off to one session or the other. Dr. VonRuenkler is working Physical Therapy, while Dr. Voorhees is on vacation and he's not everyone's favorite person," I stated.

Dr. Voorhees is a young and very pretty female physical therapist and Dr. VonRuenkler is an older man with a dry sense of humor. He's a great doctor and an entertaining guy, but he's not the young, beautiful girl that my predominantly male patient population prefers.

"I feel your pain, right there, darling! I dated Stan VonRuenkler, remember?" She reminded, smiling to herself. Dr. VonRuenkler fell head over heels in lust with Aunt Charlotte, when she brought Liam down to visit, just after I'd been hired at Rancho. She was mildly entertained by him and they dated for about three months and then decided they'd be better off as friends.

Aunt Char is very involved in our lives…Liam's T-Ball games, my Tae Kwon Do matches and tournaments, Jasper's softball games and on top of that, she volunteers at Cedars, is part of some Rotary Club and plays Bridge on Wednesday nights in Soho. Stan felt she was just too busy to pay adequate attention to him and she felt Stan was looking for a replacement for his 'Darling Sophia', who passed away in 2009. Aunt Charlotte never wanted to be a substitute or a replacement for anyone! And I didn't blame her.

Just as I was about to give her the run down on the day, my cell phone started ringing. I pulled it out of the front pocket of my scrub top and noticed that it was work.

Odd, they almost never called me this early…Hmm!

"Isabella Swan," I answered, preparing myself for the unknown.

"Sheesh Bella, can't you start a conversation with 'Hello' like all of the rest of humanity?" Kate Cutler kidded…Kate is the head of the nursing staff at Rancho and my boss. I love the pants off of her!

"Why are you in so early, Kate and why are you harassing me at home, when in an hour and a half, you'll have me in your clutches for at least eight hours?" I joked. Kate was easy to like. She was amenable, flexible and always open to suggestion. It made working for her easy and fun.

"Oh you have no idea how anxious I am to have you in my clutches, Swanie…My morning's been one fucked up shit storm after another and I've only been here for an hour. A whole two and a half hours before I'm normally supposed to be here, just because we have a new patient coming in, who's family is making all sorts of crazy demands and I'm about to pull all of my fucking hair out. Dammit Swan, I need you! Get here, as fast as you can without getting busted by da popo or run over by some damn idiot. When you get here, come straight to my office and be prepared for a long and grueling day!" I could tell she was stressed, but 'da popo'? Really?

She must have fallen asleep in front of MTV again, last night…

I internally rolled my eyes. Private care patients were not treated the same as any other patient and could be a pain in the ass. I was normally assigned to four individual patients in a sixteen patient rotation. With a private care patient, though, if I was assigned to that patient I would be at their disposal for the duration of my shift. And that would be my lot in life, until said patient was discharged.

Unless I could convince them to hate me and request another nurse!

It was a possibility, but not a probability! I've never had a problem with interpersonal skills! Normally, even my grouchiest patients loved me.

"No problem Kate! I'll be there with, well, bells on…As soon as I can!" I responded, laughing at my own silliness.

"I knew I could count on you, Bella! Always my go to girl!" With that, the line went dead. Turning off my phone and putting it back in its place, I proceeded to brief Aunt Char on the day. I kissed Liam on the head while he was zoned into whatever was on the television and rushed out the door.

As usual, LA traffic on a Monday morning was its predictable cluster fuck! Really, how hard could it be to get in your car, start it and drive responsibly until you reached your destination? I guess having to deal with things like merge lanes and off-ramps was a confusing thing for some people. Maybe they all needed to switch to decaf or just pull over til the ludes wear off.

Parking my car in the staff parking, I grabbed all of my things and locked my doors. The walk from staff parking to the front doors of the facility wasn't far. I enjoyed the warm sunshine on this brisk February morning, as I walked singing Pink's "U and Ur Hand", in my head.

What can I say?

It was the song that was playing on the radio, when I shut the car off.

I was so lost in my own little world, that I didn't even hear Kate calling out to me, as she rushed me from behind. When she touched me on the shoulder, I nearly had a coronary and barely avoided dropping all of my belongings, including my cup of brain cells on the ground in front of me. She skidded to a stop, next to me, almost knocking me over in the process and making me even more topple-worthy. Thankfully, my ability to remain upright in less than favorable conditions had been enhanced by my fighting, otherwise, Kate and I would be on the floor in a tangle of limbs and spilled coffee at this point.

Kate Cutler reminded me a lot of my mother. At forty-four years old, she was of average height with a matronly figure and reddish blond hair that was just starting to gray at the temples. She was almost always happy and when she had to discipline someone, she did so with tact and grace. Kate was always one who looked for ways to do her job better and as such, passed those traits down the line to her nursing staff. Kate's voice was always modulated, unless she was really stressed or really angry and she almost always had a potty mouth.

"Fuck, Swan…What's the damn rush? Anxious to start your day, much?" I looked at Kate and had to giggle-snort. She was dressed in Tinker Bell scrubs and was wearing purple sneakers. She smiled at me kindly and continued. "I'm sorry about rushing up, behind you…I know you don't like that. I just couldn't seem to get your attention," She apologized.

"It's okay, Kate! I only almost had a heart attack; now if you'd made me spill my coffee, we'd be having words," I joked and we both laughed as we walked into the Harriman building together. The nursing supervisor's offices were all in the Harriman, one of the oldest buildings on campus. Kate ushered me into her office, even before I had a chance to put my things away. "Uhmm, Kate? I need to put my things away, before I start my shift," I informed.

She looked at me and motioned for me to sit. The chairs in her office were so comfortable; I didn't bother to push the matter.

"You won't be reporting to your floor today, Bella. First I need to take you to meet the family of the private patient I'd like to assign to you and then, you'll be working in building 901, until the patient is released. I know it's a ways to go, but you'll have a golf cart at your disposal and all the bells and whistles, like that…This family is very affluent and the money that they are throwing around is just mind-boggling," She xplained, smiling genuinely at me.

"Why me, Kate? I mean, I'm thrilled but there are so many other nurses who have seniority over me, shouldn't you be offering this opportunity to them?" I had to question this. If these people had all the money in the world, why would she want me, a relative rookie in the field, caring for this VIP patient?

"Honestly, Bella? I need the best and you are my best nurse on the amputee ward. This family is extremely overprotective of their son and so far, none of the rehabilitative care they've tried has worked. The patient was in a motorcycle accident, six months ago. The patient's lower leg left leg was crushed, under the wheel of the car that hit him and a trans-tibial amputation was performed, a day following the accident. The patient has basically given up the will to live and has been very aversive to any sort of rehabilitation, thus far. What this patient needs, Bella is either a big shot in the arm of hope or a kick in the ass. I haven't decided which! Trust me, he's a royal pain in the ass," Kate explained.

I found it common, for patients who suffered this kind of trauma, to slip into the easy mindset of giving up their will to live. A below the knee amputation, like a trans-tibial, could seem like a death sentence for anyone who'd been active and energetic, before their accident or the onset of their condition. The feeling of no longer being a whole person or not being able to care for one's self or one's family often times lead to depression. It took a lot of caring and a lot of encouragement and sometimes, some good old fashioned hard assed truth to get these patients out of their pity me parties and back into their lives, where they belonged. Amputation wasn't a death sentence; it was a life modification.

Kate and I spoke for a few more minutes, regarding this patient and then we walked over to the patient counseling center, to meet the family of this particular silver spoon fed patient. We walked into the building and were immediately greeted by the wide warm smile of Ann Marie, the volunteer who usually manned the information desk at the counseling center. Exchanging pleasantries, we walked past her and down the hallway. Kate stopped and grabbed a hold of the door handle to room two, knocked twice and opened the door. Stepping in and allowing me the same courtesy.

My jaw and just about every other part of me, lower than that hit the floor, when I heard her introduce me to this patient's family members.

"Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, this is my absolute best amputee rehab nurse, Isabella Swan. Bella, I'd like you to meet Carlisle and Esme Cullen,"

_**A/N: **_

_**Like I said before, I'm not a nurse or a fighter or in the Air Force…I get my facts from online research. Rancho Los Amigos is a real place, but I've had to add a lot of my own conjecture, here, in regards to policy and procedure because they don't have a great deal of information on the inner workings, available for any old Joe Schmoe to look up online.**_

_**Thanks for all of your love, from last chapter…It helps me to soldier on and write another chapter…It should only be a day or two, until the next update…I'm having fun writing this…**_


	4. Her Loving Heart Chapter 4

Well, here we are with Chapter 4! I am amazed at all of the kind reviews I've been getting from everyone! And I'm utterly amazed at all the traffic my story is getting! Makes me really motivated to write more…

To my reviewers…I'm trying my best to keep up with the replies…To my readers who don't review…It's all good! I don't review a lot when I read either. I'm just happy that you've found something about my story that keeps you coming back!

If you want to read some really well written fics, please pop over to my good friend and fic sister Kim Ginsberg's page and read some of her stories…All of her fics are great…but the two newest ones, In Living Color and A Forbidden Love, will knock your socks off! Her pen name is Kim Ginsberg

No gripes, this time around…Just really happy to have you all here, while we take this journey!

I don't own anything Twilight!

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 4

Bella

I'm pretty sure I'm about to start hyperventilating…

Somebody please get me a paper bag!

Hell, I might even just throw up!

Somebody get me a paper bag AND a barf bag, please?

I'm completely at a loss as to what to do! I'm frozen and staring at the attractive blond man and his caramel haired wife. They are speaking, but I cannot think clearly enough to even try to understand what they're saying. A cold sweat breaks out all over me and I feel myself begin to shut down.

This could not be happening! Not him, not here…I'd forgiven him yes, but could I face him again? Could I care for him, like I promised I would when I took my Nightengale Pledge?

A pledge is a promise and I might be a lot of things, but a breaker of promises, I was not.

Kate looked at me funny and excused us both, for a moment, closing the door as we stepped into the hallway.

"Bella, is everything okay? You look a little peaked…" She whispered, looking at me with concerned mother's eyes.

I couldn't tell her…I just couldn't bring myself to say anything about what Edward did to me. I knew, from the briefing earlier, with Kate, that he desperately needed the rehab. If I spoke out, would they deny him the care that he needed?

"I…uh, must have been the coffee…You know I get heartburn sometimes, if I drink too much," I lied.

In a lot of ways, I wanted to see Edward. I wanted to get, first hand from his mouth, why he chose to hurt me like he did. As I stood there, thinking about it, it almost became a sick obsession, wanting to show him that he didn't break me, while he lay there broken!

Yeah, I'd have to say, karma's a bitch!

"You're not pregnant again, are you Bella?" Kate questioned, taking my arm. I looked at her and cocked an eyebrow.

"Kate, in order to be pregnant, you have to have sex and unless it's a Jesus-baby, I'm positive that that answer is no," I informed her. Kate looked at me and shrugged.

"You never know, sweetie. I mean, you're a young, beautiful woman…Why you haven't been snapped up by a good man yet, is beyond me," She smiled and patted my arm. "Are you okay to go back inside or do you need a few minutes?"

"I'm okay…I'll get some antacid before we go upstairs to meet the patient," I smiled, she seemed to believe me. "And Kate? I'm only twenty-three years old, I still have plenty of years left before snapping becomes an issue," I winked at her as we walked back through the door, laughing lightly.

"Is there a concern, ladies?" Carlisle Cullen asked, sounding quite fretful. He held his wife's hand and gently stroked over the top of it, with his thumb.

"No sir, Dr. Cullen. Our Bella here just has a touch of heartburn and needed a couple of minutes to uhhh collect herself," Kate announced. We each took a seat across the table from the Cullens.

"Oh, dear," Esme Cullen piped in. "That's terrible. I get heartburn when I drink too much coffee in the morning," She interjected. I smiled.

"That's exactly what did it, Mrs. Cullen, "I answered, smiling at her. She looked slightly disquieted, so I reached out and patted her hand. "It's no big deal, ma'am. I did my Emergency Room rotation, during internship and there isn't ANYTHING worse that ER coffee," I said assuredly.

"Ain't that the truth," Carlisle expounded. "Part nuclear waste and part motor oil," We all laughed.

I'm finding it very difficult to dislike these two people.

I had to remind myself that I still hadn't walked in Edward's shoes; because I wasn't there, in his mind, I had no understanding of the inner workings of his thought process. No matter what, I didn't know the story and I needed to reserve my judgment, until I did.

Still, it was hard to fathom that these were the parents of a drug user and a rapist.

"Shall we get back to the business at hand?" Kate offered. There were nods all around the table.

I was happy to move the conversation from idle chit chat to business! I was always more comfortable talking "shop" with strangers, rather than trying to chat about random things.

"Yes well, Ms. Swan, can you tell me what your qualifications are, where you went to school?" Dr. Cullen asked. I rattled off my answers, listing all of my 'pedigree' if you will. He seemed to be satisfied with my statistics.

"And what of your family dear, can you tell us about your family," Esme questioned, leaning in close. For the life of me, I couldn't fathom why she needed to learn of my family.

What the heck, I thought, I have nothing to hide.

"My mother died when I was seventeen, ma'am and I never knew my father. After she died, I moved to Washington State, to live with my aunt and finish high school. Upon graduation, I returned home, to California, to go to college. Right now, I live in Los Angeles, with my 4 ½ year old son," I sat up tall and looked her in the eye.

She smiled lightly and patted my arm, again.

"It must have been difficult to go to college and raise a baby at the same time," Esme Cullen was testing the waters, but for what, I couldn't tell you.

"The aunt and cousin that I lived with in Washington State, relocated down here, when I found out I was expecting. It made things a lot easier than if I'd been alone. I also have close friends to rely on as well," I defended. "Why, may I ask, did you need to know about my family? Does that have any bearing on the quality of care I can offer your loved one?" I was being cheeky with my questions, but I needed to know where this line of questioning was going.

"No dear, it really doesn't. As you know, our family is quiet wealthy and with wealth comes privilege…Some people believe it's their right and privilege to take our story, our son's story out to the media for personal gain. I was just probing, to see if you'd answer me honestly. We already have all of your information, in our files," She announced.

A test? A fucking test? And how was it that they had all of my "information"? I gave Kate my best bitch brow and watched as she tried to shrink into her chair. Yeah, that's so not going to work, Kate! I can still fucking see you!

They were concerned about me going to the media, huh? Oh yeah…I could give the media the story of a lifetime, on Edward fucking Cullen. I just know that right about now, my face is turning about ten shades of scarlet. My hands were balled into tight fists, my fingernails cutting valleys into the soft flesh of my palm. I seriously wanted to pop somebody, right in the noggin!

_Okay, down girl…it's a Dojan night tonight, I'll work it out with Sahbum Nim…Now's not the time to go all whoop ass on these people._

"Dr. and Mrs. Cullen, I pride myself on the principles by which I was raised. I am an honest and forthcoming person and I treat each and every person I come across, in my daily life, with the respect they deserve. My mother instilled upon me early, that each life is important to someone and that life is not about what we can get or take from others, but what we can give to and learn from other people instead," I testified. "Forgiveness was a big thing and so was understanding. I was taught that everyone deserves someone on their side and that everyone deserved a second chance, no matter what the circumstance. I live by her instruction and I'm raising my son with the same set of values. I would never take anything to the media, firstly, because I really don't like them and secondly, because at the end of the day, I would be the one who had to face me in the mirror," I finished my speech and slumped back into the hard plastic chair on which I was rather tensely perched, only a few seconds ago.

"It sounds like your mother was a very wise woman, Miss Swan and it seems as if she raised a very wise daughter," Esme Cullen commented, looking at her husband. "I think you would do our son some good, while he's here. Maybe for once, he might learn something useful and get his head out of his ass, instead of wasting his life feeling sorry for himself," She finished, unshed tears collecting in her pretty green eyes. She dabbed at them with a fine linen handkerchief she retrieved from her handbag and then looked up at me and smiled sweetly, from her soul.

"Edward has always had issues…You see, Edward is not our son, by birth! He is actually my nephew. His father Edward Senior was my older brother. As a child, Edward was the pink of perfection…Perfect grades, perfect manners; he played the piano and wanted to be a doctor, like Uncle Carlisle, when he grew up. He was the absolute joy of his parents' life. When Edward was ten years old, his father took him rafting on the Sol Duc River, in Washington State. When they didn't return at their scheduled time, my sister-in law, Lizzie called the authorities. The rangers were concerned, because it was barely spring time and the water was still very cold. If they were in the water, they wouldn't last very long. Around sunset, they found Edward, clinging to some rocks; he was suffering from severe hypothermia and was terrified, beyond belief. My brother was nowhere to be found. Apparently, the raft buckled and threw them both into the water; Ed was able to reach Edward and loft him, somewhat onto the rocks where he was found. Then my brother was gone, disappeared into the waters of the Sol Duc. Edward told us he went underneath the water and never came back up. He was completely beside himself, but for all it was worth, my sister in law was much worse. She held it together through the funeral and for a couple of months after that; things seemed to be settling down. Then out of the blue one day, Edward called me on the telephone, asking if I could come and get him. I really didn't understand a lot of what he was saying, because he was crying. I asked him if he was okay or if he was hurt and he said there was blood coming from his stomach and there was blood all over the room and all over his mom. It took me ten minutes to get from our house to theirs and when I got there, Edward was unconscious and very close to death. Lizzie was already dead. She'd found Ed's gun and decided that she and Edward were going to go and be with him, so that they could be a family again. That's how Edward came to live with us and eventually, we adopted him. Our daughter Alice is just a few months younger than Edward and seemed to understand him so much better, than we ever could. Edward suffered from a lot of different things, because of his parents' demise…PTSD, attachment disorders, acute chronic anxiety paired with depression, oppositional defiant disorder, he was even diagnosed as sociopathic…We tried to get him the help that he needed, but every time we tried to take him to appointments, he'd disappear into the forest and be gone, for days. By the time he was sixteen, he was self-medicating with anything he could get his hands on…alcohol, drugs, women! He'd changed so drastically, I didn't really even recognize him. Even worse, he seemed to be pulling Alice down, with him. On graduation night, everything changed. Alice and her friends Emmett and Rosalie all came to the house, around midnight, looking for Carlisle. From what I could gather, Edward had binged on heroine, PCP and LSD and was lying on the ground, not moving. Before he fell, apparently he begged Emmett to shoot him up with one more amp of heroine. He wanted to die…kept repeating that he'd made an angel fall from grace. That he was dirty and not good enough to draw breath. He fell before Emmett could deliver the lethal dose. Emmett was so high himself that he didn't know what he was doing. Alice was wasted, completely on LSD and who knows what Rose'd been doing…All three of them were hauled off to jail and Edward was rushed to the emergency room, where he fought for his life, for forty eight hours. When he was well enough, he was transferred to Saving Grace drug rehab center, not too far from here; actually…It's near Joshua Tree. He spent four and a half months in treatment and then decided to stay in the area. In treatment, he met an older man, a counselor at the center, who also owned a ranch. Garrett and Edward became fast friends. Eventually, Edward went on to work with Garrett and his wife, Lindsey, raising horses and cattle. He also learned carpentry and woodworking. He even started playing piano again. He was living clean and sober in a place where his spirit was free. We were really proud of him; he'd really cleaned up his life and was on the road to making something of himself. Then, in July, Edward was riding his motorcycle home from church, one Sunday morning, when a drunk driver hit him and his leg was caught between the wheel of the car and the pavement. It nearly severed his leg, in half and well, here we are! We've tried all sorts of ways to get Edward back to himself, but he still seems to think that he's still paying for whatever transgressions he committed, while he was using. I'm afraid he's given up," As Esme Cullen finished her story, I noticed that a box of Kleenex had been set in the middle of the table and there was not a dry eye in the room.

How could I feel anything but sorrow for this poor soul? How could someone so young go through what Edward has, in his life and not have scars? Still, I'm no Sarah SoftHeart and I'm not a fool. There are things in everyone's life that make others say "Awww, you poor soul". But what really matters is how well you rise, after falling. I didn't know how to feel; I wanted to feel sorry for Edward, but at the same time, he needed to be held accountable for what he did, even if it meant that all I ever got from him was a heartfelt "I'm sorry"

Immediately, Kate spoke up.

"Has he used any sort of illegal drugs, since the time of his accident, Mrs. Cullen? I mean narcotics other than the ones prescribed by his physician?" She sniffed, still patting her cheeks dry and trying to control the flood of her mascara.

"No, Ms. Cutler, he even resisted taking the pain meds his doctor gave him, because he said he never wanted to feel like he was 'outside of his brain' ever again. It wasn't until the pain got to be unbearable and he was begging the nurses in the hospital to 'please shoot him and put him out of his misery' that he actually consented to the use of a mild pain killer and a muscle relaxant," Dr. Cullen answered. "And he only took those, when the pain was too great to bear on his own or he needed to be able to sleep,"

Wow, that's a testament to Edward's resolve and his fortitude. When an amputation is performed, sure, they separate the nerves at the amputation site to minimize pain, but who are we trying to fool here? Any significant trauma to the body is _always _shadowed by pain.

"Has he attempted the use of a prosthesis yet?" I asked, needing to know how far along, Edward was in his retraining. It was an important question! He needed to be up and moving. The longer Edward allowed himself to just lie there, drowning in the mire of his own misery, the longer it would take to get him up and on the road to living.

"No, he refused when the Orthopedist and the Prosthetist came in to consult with him. He just turned his head and stared out the window, completely ignoring that they were even in the room. It was so frustrating," Mrs. Cullen answered.

Kate began to rise from her seat. I really didn't know how to feel about the next few moments. A lot of the time, you can tell yourself you're prepared to face your attacker, but when you realize that that person has had as many or more mountains to climb in their lives, as you have…The wind pretty much leaves your sails and the "If I ever get my hands on him, I'll wring his neck" attitude is replaced with the "I'll sit and cry with him" mindset. Maybe I'm just weird. Maybe I'm just too compassionate. Maybe the world isn't compassionate enough!

"It's a common reaction, Mrs. Cullen, especially for young men. They don't want to admit they've lost a leg, much less be fitted for an artificial one. They see their lives being over, as they know them and talking about a prosthetic leg just drives the nails, deeper into the coffin," We see it almost daily here. Kate commented as she motioned for all of us to start moving. Obviously, it was time to go and see the patient.

Crunch Time!

We walked out of the building and commandeered a golf cart from the corral. The Rancho campus is quite extensive and walking all the way from the Harriman building to building 900 would have taken forever. I found my nerves at high noon, as we tootled across the grounds. My heart hammered against my chest, battering at my rib cage the way the waves at high tide hit the rocks at Torrey Pines, in San Diego. I held on to my resolve NOT to have a panic attack; though the thread was thin, it held its place.

In my mind, a song filters through my widely scattered thoughts…the chorus of an old Ray Boltz song that Mom used to sing to me, sometimes, when things weren't going quite so well

_The anchor holds_

_Though the ship is battered _

_The anchor holds _

_Though the sails are torn  
I have fallen on my knees_

_As I faced the raging seas _

_The anchor holds_

_In spite of the storm._

Thanks Mom! I needed that!

Dr. and Mrs. Cullen looked casually optimistic as we parked the golf cart in front of Building 900. The lobby was light with activity as we made our way to the elevator and boarded the next open lift.

_The anchor holds…_

The ding of the elevator made me jump and everyone looked at me peculiarly. I blushed and then shrugged, picking at an imaginary loose thread on my scrub top. Departing the elevator on the third floor, I followed the group down the hall to Room 913.

_Verrrrry ironic…My birthdate is 913._

Pushing the irony aside, I lagged behind everyone else as they entered the room of the man who'd so drastically changed my life. Would he recognize me right off and embarrass both himself and me, by saying something? Would he freak the hell out, just as I am freaking the hell out?

_The Anchor holds…_

_In Spite of the Storm…_

I'd run out of time for anymore thinking…Entering the room, there he was, looking lost and pale in a simple cotton hospital gown. He'd not changed very much, since the last time I saw him.

Maybe that wasn't the best analogy to give…The last time I saw him, he looked like Satan on a shit pile.

Let's just leave it at 'he looked like I imagined he'd look'…

He closed his eyes, when his mother leaned over and kissed his forehead and rolled his eyes, when she asked him if everything was okay. He exchanged pleasantries with his father and I watched from as close to the doorway as I could, as Dr. Cullen introduced Edward to Kate.

_The anchor holds…_

And I swear to God, time stopped again, when I heard Edward Cullen say my name!

"Edward, this is your nurse…" Carlisle Cullen started.

"Isabella Swan," Edward finished the sentence for him. The he chuckled lightly and I watched him as he lay his hand on one of his cheeks and drift off into his own sea of memories.

I'd been worrying all morning, about how hard this was going to be for _me_, never thinking that it might be just as difficult for him.

_**Why should I even care how difficult this was for him? HE FUCKING RAPED ME!**_

My irrationality was steaming! I wanted to walk right over there to that bed and junk punch him and then follow it up with a roundhouse to the throat.

As I planned out how I'd beat the shit out of this man, the still small voice of my mother infiltrated my murderous thoughts once again…

_Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.__Love never fails.!_

I was suddenly aware of the four sets of eyes that were all trained upon me. Three of those sets looked confused and the other set looked dazed and confused and so very sad.

"You two know each other?" Esme Cullen asked her son quietly, taking his hand and setting herself lightly on the bed.

"Yes, mother, we do! Isabella and I went through senior year together, at Fork's High. She's Charlotte Whitlock's niece," Edward ratted me out.

"I'll be damned," Dr. Cullen muttered. "Now I see the resemblance; what a small world," He finished, laughing to himself…

Kate excused herself, apparently, there was a fire to be put out, down in ambulatory medicine and she had the only fire hose.

"Is there a reason, Ms. Swan that you didn't disclose that you knew our son, when we were down in conference?" Esme grilled me, almost instantly putting me on the defensive.

"Mrs. Cullen, this situation is not about whether I know of your son, or not! The matter at hand, is his care and rehabilitation…It's about helping him get back to a place where he feels comfortable with living his life again, not about quiet jogs down memory lane. If you feel that I am not an appropriate person to be caring for your son, say the word. I have other patients that can and do benefit from my expertise, without worrying whether or not I'm going to take what I know to the public media. You know what, on second thought, I'll just go ahead and ask Kate to assign you another nurse…I cannot do my job properly, while worrying that every move I make, whether here or in my private life is being watched and scrutinized by someone who barely knows me," Normally, I wasn't ever this forward. The fact of the matter was, I was angry! Angry that they felt they had the right to pry into my personal and personnel information. I was angry that I practically had to sign a non-disclosure statement, just to be able to do my job. And I was angry that I was actually letting this family get to me.

_**AGAIN!**_

_**LIKE THE CULLEN FAMILY HADN'T CAUSED ENOUGH GRIEF IN MY LIFE THE WAY IT WAS!**_

I turned on my heel and made a bee-line for the door. I knew my face was hot with anger and angry tears threatened to make tracks down my cheek any moment now. My confused emotional upheaval was beginning to affect me, adversely. These extreme moments of anger, followed by extreme sympathy…

Ughh! I just couldn't take this.

I was almost to the door, when I heard a commotion come from the individual in that hospital bed.

"No," Edward shouted. "Stop Isabella, pp..please don't gg..go," He was up and over the side of the bed in the blink of an eye. His arms draped over a pair of crutched.

Edward Cullen was going to chase me down!

"Please? I don't know what else to say to get you to stay…Bbut please? I…I need to talk to you, tt..to…Mom, Dad? Can you please give me a couple of minutes alone, with Isabella…There are things you don't know…Things I did and I need to make it right," I heard him talking softly to his parents.

I had yet to turn around; I just stood there, facing the door. Trying my with everything I had, not to break down into complete hysterics.

Make it right? He was kidding, right! How could he ever think that he could make the fact that he raped me brutally, right?

Then again, this is what I needed to hear…His voice, telling me in his words, why he decided to do what he did; his voice asking for _my _forgiveness.

Or at least I thought I wanted to hear it.

I could hear him settling back into his bed and his parents moving around the room. I turned around and made room, next to the door, so they could pass. Dr. Cullen smiled genuinely at me, as he walked through the door and patted my shoulder.

The door closed softly and I was alone with the one man I feared most, in my life.

A/N So there ya go…It might be a couple of days before I get to chapter 5…With Easter coming, I've got to clean my house and get it ready for company…

Thanks so much for reading, friends and if I don't see you before Sunday, have a blessed Easter!


	5. Chapter 5

YOU READERS ARE THE BEST READERS ON THE PLANET! Thanks for all of your kind words and reviews! Every word is read and appreciated. I haven't answered any back, because I've been too busy getting this chappie finished! Might possibly be one more update before Easter…My family decided to stay home and my hub and kiddo don't mind if the house is a mess, as long as I write…

BIG, BIG HUMONGO SHOUT OUT TO MY FIC-SIS THE _**AMAZING KIM GINSBERG…**_SHE GAVE WORDS AND CORRECTED MY BOO-BOOS AND KEPT ME COMPANY ALL THROUGH THE WRITING OF THIS CHAPTER! BABY, YOU ROCK MY SOCKS!

I don't own Twilight…Here's Chapter 5…

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 5

Bella

Alone...

Edward was sitting back in his bed, looking comfortable and just slightly nervous. I had to admit, to myself though, he was still beautiful.

"What is it you need to say, Mr. Cullen, I have a job to do and patients to see," I said, rather tersely. I wasn't going to sit around, idly chatting the day away. They didn't pay me to be a conversationalist to one private patient in a hospital where hundreds of patients came for care.

"Would you just come and sit down, Isabella and you can drop the 'Mr. Cullen' stuff, we both know we are way beyond the formality of proper names," he sighed and reached for a glass of ice water that was sitting on the table, next to him. He drank briefly, his Adam's apple bobbing as he swallowed, setting the glass down, he continued. "There are things we need to talk about. Things that happened, while you were living in Forks. Things I need to fix, because they were, they are, too horrifying to even think of," His eyes started to prick with tears and I saw him bat at them.

"Duh! Ya think?" I said sarcastically. "Edward, do you remember all of the hell you put me through, while I lived there, in Forks?" I asked him, semi-sarcastically. His answer would be my deciding factor on whether I just junk punched him, quit my job and then walk out of his life for good or if I stayed and listened to what he had to say.

"I do remember, Isabella! I remember it all! How could I _not_ remember it all?" He almost yelled back at me.

I sat down in the chair, across from the bed, elbows on knees and head in hands.

"It's tormented me from the moment it happened until I saw you walk into the room, just a few minutes ago and until I can get the words out it will still torment me." he told me. There was a grown-up seriousness in his voice and that surprised me. I was expecting to hear the same immature taunting voice of the boy who once persecuted me, mercilessly.

"Do you remember the morning of June 8th? Do you remember what happened, that day?" I asked from the cradle of my palms. I couldn't look at him; I was filled with anticipation, sorrow, rage, embarrassment...You name it, I was filled with it!

"I remember enough, Isabella..." he said, his voice stricken with emotion. "I remember the cruelty and I remember what I did. I—I raped you! I raped you and the memory of that morning has played over and over in my mind, since the moment I walked away from you lying there, so still, in the forest. It is the blackest mark on my soul. The one thing for which I will never, ever forgive myself."

When I looked up at him, he was outwardly crying. Not the sobbing so hard you can't catch your breath type of crying, but the tears were running down his face, in steady rivulets.

Sorry, I wasn't going to fall for this act, if this, in fact was what it was. If it's a pity party he wants, he can eat that cake, all on his own.

"Do you know what your raping me did to my life, Edward? Do you want to hear about how I lived for the first six or so months after I left Forks? Can you even comprehend the kind of permanent mark you've left on my life? I've been living with the consequences of your actions, for the last five years!" I was yelling at this point. Not loud enough to cause a disturbance, but with enough emotion to indicate to him, that I was completely serious about this...

"I will have a reminder of that morning every day, for the rest of my life, Edward. Our son is my constant reminder," With that admission, his eyes snapped to mine and his breathing became harsh and irregular.

"Our..._our _Son? What? How?" he began to shake. Rage? Remorse? Sorrow?

"Well lemme tell you, Edward, the _what_ would be my egg uniting with your sperm and the _how_ would be the fact that you stuffed your penis into my vagina, **WHILE YOU WERE RAPING ME**. It's not a hard concept to grasp...I mean, don't they teach kids that in like, fifth grade now?" I was ranting now, having risen from my seat in the chair, pacing wildly and waving my arms around like some sort of crazy lunatic.

"Do you know what it felt like to realize I was pregnant, after what you did to me? I was going to give birth to the child of the man that raped me and left me there, in the dirt, like little more than common trash," I moved closer to his bed and wrapped my arms around myself, trying desperately to hold the pieces of myself together.

"The same man who called me more degrading things than I could ever imagine, in my life. The man who body checked me into lockers and held my face down in the water fountain while I drank, in an attempt to drown me, " I was beyond emotion, right now! The floodgates were open and the poison I'd kept inside, for the past five years was rushing out in rivers directly at Edward Cullen.

"Do you know what the worst part of this whole fucked up situation is, Edward, do you? I never did anything to provoke your treatment of me. I never once, spoke up for myself; I never told anyone, aside from Jasper and my aunt, about the things that were happening to me. That's one thing that has plagued me, through all these years, Edward, is the whys! Why me? What was it about me that made you think it was okay to treat me like you did?"

He didn't answer...He just sat there shaking. I understand that this is a shock to him, but maybe, just maybe it'll cure his case of chronic cranial rectosis and allow him to pull his head out of his ass.

He was gasping, his hand on his chest. I thought about getting him an oxygen mask, his staccato breathing was beginning to worry me.

Then I thought to myself 'Nah, let him suffer...I did fifteen hours of labor, he can do five or so minutes of hyperpnoea.'

I stopped suddenly and stood there before him, my shoulders back and my head held high.

"I tried to forget, Edward…I wanted to forget. I thought about getting an abortion; my morals kept me from killing something that was very much alive, inside of me. I thought about giving him up for adoption, in hindsight though, I would've let the best thing that had ever happened to me slip out of my life, because I was trying to forget. I'll never be able to forget that morning and do you know why?" I asked, nearly sobbing now. He looked up at me, his eyes a maze of bloodshot redness and so much sorrow and dumbly shook his head.

"Because, Edward, no matter how hard I try and convince myself otherwise, our son looks _exactly_ like _you_," I was done with this.

Edward sat up and placed his elbows on his knees; he dropped his head into his hands and started muttering to himself. I could see his knuckles grow white as he gripped his hair hard.

"Angel…I never knew…Goddammit, what have I done!" His breath was choppy as he spoke. I moved closer and put two fingers on the right side of his neck; I needed to feel his carotid pulse…If her were having a panic attack, I'd need to know, in order to assist him, medically.

I looked at him, as he continued to rant at himself, at me and I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of that room.

Kate's timing was absolutely more than perfect.

She chose that moment to walk back into the room, with Dr. and Mrs. Cullen on her heels. When they saw Edward, all three of them rushed past me, to his bedside. I grabbed a tissue from the equipment station and wiped my face. Grabbing a second one, I blew my nose softly, threw the used tissues in the waste bin, pocketed a couple more tissues and left the room.

They never even saw me standing there…I guess invisibility has its privilege, because I was able to leave the room, without anyone standing in my way or calling me back. It was lunch time anyhow and right now, I could use a break!

I walked all the way back to the Harriman building and collected my purse and my lunch box from where Ann Marie had safeguarded them for me, this morning and headed for my car. I called Tanya and asked her to meet me in the hospital rose garden. Hearing the trepidation in my voice, she told me she'd meet me in ten minutes. Tanya works as an administrative assistant to one of the hospital administrators; her office is a half mile from where I work and we often had lunch together. I drove my car from the staff parking lot to the rose garden and parked. Taking my lunch box, I found a nice sunny table and sat down. The roses were just starting to bud, so there wasn't much color in the garden. The waxy green leaves of the bushes and the emerald blades of new grass offered my confused heart a moment's respite. Tilting my head back, I let the noonday sun warm my skin. I relaxed my shoulders and let my body sag in restful supplication.

The clacking of heels on the cement pathway brought me out of my peaceful state as Tanya walked towards me. Setting her things down on the table, she looked at me quizzically and when she noticed the tear tracks through my makeup, she rushed around the table and knelt down at my feet.

"Bella, what's going on? Why have you been crying? Is there something wrong at home?" Her voice was full of concern as she shot me questions. Knowing that I was with the one person who understood me better than I did, myself, the tears once again, began to well and drip.

"Ed…Edward," I stuttered out. "He's here, in the hospital," I finished, pulling one of the purloined tissues out of my pocket. "He's the private patient I've been assigned to. Oh Tahn, what am I going to do?" I bawled, looking into her blue eyes. She stood up and pulled me with her, gathering me into a hug, her small frame engulfing me in familiar protection.

"Edward? Edward…Cullen, that asstard dick-bird who raped you? ShitAssFuckSonofaBitch…Is that the Edward you're talking about?" I had to chuckle, just a little, but with my caterwauling and with my snotty nose, it ended up sounding somewhat like the bark of a seal. Tanya's colorful phraseology often made people do a double take. She looked innocent and wholesome…yet when she opened her mouth, they then realized she had a severe case of sailors' toilet tongue. "What to do- you don't know what to do…Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. You and I are gonna march back up to his high powered room and you can go all Mr. Miyagi on his ass; I'll sit on his chest and you can cut off his fuckin' cock and make him eat it. That's what we're gonna do, Bella," she said, looking like a furious wet kitten. Yeah, Tanya was tiny, but when she was angry, she was the biggest motherfucker in the room. "C'mon, pick up your lunch; let's go…You can eat while I drive," For a second, I thought she might be serious.

"Hardy har, cousin in law…We can't do that and you know it! There are cameras in the rooms," I reminded her. Tanya always had an answer for everything though and within a couple of seconds, she'd come up with a new plan of de-male-efying Edward Cullen.

Her second plan of attack involved her walking down to security control and charming Dale, the head security goon, while I electronically disabled the feed to Edward's room. Then we'd go back, Mr. Miyagi his ass and feed him a cock sandwich for lunch.

"I spilled, Tanya! In my anger, I told him about Liam. I know he won't try and take Liam away from me, because I still have all of the pictures and the DNA samples and evidence from my rape kit. The authorities would never hand over my child, to a rapist and his family, no matter how much money they had, would they?" I sniffled, sitting back down and taking the Lunchable I'd packed for my lunch, out of my lunchbox.

"I doubt it, Bella…Besides, the statute of limitations on rape is still seven years. It's only been six, since it happened. I mean there might be some sticky conjecture on why you waited six years to report a rape, but, you still have a solid case," She informed. Tanya was always an excellent source of information and I trusted what she was telling me.

"And he copped to the fact that he did indeed rape me…Said it was a black mark on his soul or some shit. To tell the truth, I was so angry I didn't hear half of what he was saying and if I did hear it, my give-a-damn was so busted that it didn't even register," I told her, swabbing my eyes with the other proffered tissue.

"Black mark on his soul? C'mon Bella, if we leave now, we can still give him black marks on his ass! Oh and pretty purple and blue ones too…Just think of the picture we could paint on his fuckin' soul!" She sat there, looking like a bizarre little gnome, hunched over her hands as she rubbed them together greedily.

"You know Tahn, you're really beginning to scare me! Who'da thunk you were a closet street fighter disguised as your everyday nice girl from Pasadena," I joked. We both laughed.

Tanya's eyes narrowed to slits and she laughed evilly, "I like this disguise, don't you? Really Bella, you should probably go and talk to mom, after work. She'll want to hear about went on this morning,"

"I would Tahn, but I have dojan tonight… Sahbum Nim Park is also an excellent counselor," I replied as I gathered up my trash from lunch and through it in the trash can.

"Ahhhh soo…Korean Mr. Miyagi!" Tanya laughed and I harrumphed at her sarcasm. Nim Park did kind of look like Mr. Miyagi. 'Cept if he ever made me paint his house or wash his car, I'd probably never speak to him again.

"I have to go, Tanya…gotta go face the music back at the room of death…" I told her, looking at my watch and retrieving my handbag.

I fully intended on telling Kate that due to conflict of interest, I'd like to resume my duties on the floor where I'd been assigned and she could get someone more suitable to assist Edward Cullen. I didn't want to spend the next three months reliving that same morning over and over…

When I reached Edward's room, Kate was waiting outside for me. She took me by the hand and lead me to one of the quiet rooms, a short walk down the hall, from Edward's room.

"Kate, I need to go back to my assigned duties in Building 600…Due to conflict of interest, I cannot care for Edward Cullen. Can I please go back to my building?" I said, almost pleading with her. She looked at me with sad and serious eyes.

"Of course, Bella, you can return to Building 600 and I'll have either Bree Tanner or Jessica Stanley assigned to Mr. Cullen. I don't know what happened in that room, while the three of us…Dr. and Mrs. Cullen and myself, were out. I do know that if I ask, there's a big chance you won't tell me and I did ask Mr. Cullen and he wouldn't tell me either. All he said was that it was a personal matter between you and him," Kate told me. "Bella, if there's anything I can do to make you change your mind, I'll do it. The Cullens are benefactors of this hospital, which means what they want, they get. It's not going to be easy getting you out of this, but I'll get it done,"

"Thanks Kate, you don't know how much this means to me. I'm going to head back to Building 600, right now, then…When I get there, I'll send Bree and Jess over, so you can talk with them about Mr. Cullen,"

"Will do, Bella and thanks for at least trying, I appreciate the effort," Kate said as she left me sitting in the room alone.

She needed to get back and explain to the Cullens about the shift in personnel. Jess and Bree were both good nurses and if they weren't, then at least they were pretty!

When I stepped into the hallway, I could hear the shouting from room 913, all the way to the elevators. I stepped inside the next available lift and turned, facing the doors. As they began to close, I saw Edward Cullen sprinting down the hallway in his wheelchair. The doors closed as Edward shouted out my name.

Goodbye for good, Mr. Cullen…I smiled to myself and made my way back to my building. Yeah and if wishes was fishes, I'd be a rich fish monger.

When I got back to my building, it was nearly time to leave for the day. I had to get home, spend some time with Liam, get dinner ready and then get dressed for dojan. Charlotte usually stayed and helped with dinner or Liam or both and then watched him while I was at my class.

Tonight was no different.

Liam was happy to see his mommy and Mommy was definitely happy to see Liam.

We played out in the yard, for an hour or so and then went inside. Liam wanted to help me with dinner, so we made some pasta and sauce together and he helped me tear the lettuce for a salad. After we'd eaten, Liam helped Grammy with the dishes and I went to change into my dobok, for practice.

While Liam went into the living room to watch TV, I filled Aunt Charlotte in on the happenings of the day. She was not happy and I had to admit that I shared her sentiment. I also asked her not to answer the door for anyone and if anyone came around, that she didn't know, to call Jasper immediately and ask him to come down and stand guard. She promised to be very careful.

I was concerned that Dr. and Mrs. Cullen would start trouble, if Edward had told them about Liam. They'd already had me investigated and knew everything pertinent about my life. I was thinking of consulting legal counsel on that matter, because that just didn't seem right to me.

I made sure to leave the house with plenty of time on my side. Traffic through downtown and into KoreaTown could be sketchy, sometimes. I arrived, with time to spare, at the dojan. Sahbum Nim Park greeted me, as I came in the front door. He was finishing a class of five year olds…They were all so cute, in their tiny doboks, sparring with each other. Liam couldn't wait to be five, so that he could come to the dojan and take a class, just like mom.

I stretched quietly and started my warm up. Dahn Mu Do was a lot like Chinese Tai Chi. It centered the body with the mind, energy, spirit and consciousness and did wonders with stress and flexibility. Some practitioners of Tae Kwon Do didn't use Dahn Mu Do, but I found that it took me to a place of serenity, where I could think and feel with clarity. It got me in the right frame of mind, for fighting.

After finishing my warm up, I spent the rest of the evening sparring with Nim Park. I was preparing for a tournament I'd be fighting in, late next month. I was excited about that, because this was a state semi-finals and I'd never made it to a state competition before.

It was a big deal to me.

When I got home, everything was quiet. I walked Aunt Charlotte back to her house and closed things up for the night. Another Monday done and over with. At least I could be glad that there were a whole six days before Monday came around again!

That was something, right?

I looked in on Liam…He was out like a light. Creeping wearily to my room, I showered and brushed my hair and teeth. I slipped into a long night shirt and climbed into my bed, mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. The night pulled me under and I was asleep in seconds. For the first time in so many years, tonight I didn't dream of Edward Cullen.

It was a welcomed relief.

The next day at work, I reported as usual, to Building 600 and put up my things. I was right on time, for rounds and that was always helpful. I could chart vitals, while Dr. Chang talked with the patients about their treatment. I could hear directly from the doctor, what was going on and the therapies he'd recommended. I didn't have to rely on the patient to relay that information to me, because most of the time, they lied. Especially if it was a therapy they weren't fond of.

When I got to the nurses' station, I was surprised to see Kate there, waiting for me. She did not look happy. In fact, she looked like she'd aged twenty years since I saw her, just yesterday.

"Bella, I need to talk to you," she said, running her fingers through her frazzled red hair. "It's rather important and I'm afraid it just can't wait. Grab your things and meet me back here, as fast as you can. Meanwhile, I'm going to go talk to Dr. Chang and see if he can schedule me for a lobotomy at his earliest convenience," she drawled, sounding oh-so thrilled about the way things were going.

As I walked back to the staff locker room, I saw both Jessica and Bree locking up their belongings and getting ready to go out onto the floor.

Oh, I thought to myself, this is so not good!

When I got back to the nurses' station, Kate was still there, but this time, she was seated behind the counter, banging her head in metronomic rhythm on the desk, repeating quietly "Why do I do this? Why do I do this? Why do I do this?"

Kate got up when she saw me and led me down to the main floor. We got into her golf cart outside and she drove us quietly back to the 900 building. Uh Oh...If this is Edward Cullen's idea of a joke, then I don't want to hear the punchline.

On second thought, I might just deliver the punchline to him, right in the stomach with my fist, laughing the whole time.

When we got to the second floor, again, I could hear shouting coming from one of the rooms up ahead. I didn't even have to guess which room it was.

Room 913 was hoppin' mad at something.

I could only guess what it was...

Then, a crash rang out and then the sound of breaking glass met my ears. Oh great, now the temper tantrum had progressed to throwing things. I know, with my experience as a mom, as Liam's mom, that the next course of action would be the throwing of one's self to the floor while kicking and screaming and shouting "You don't love me anymore!"

"Ugh, my God! That man!" Kate muttered as she pulled me into the quiet room we'd spoken in, yesterday.

"Bella, I really need you to take over Mr. Cullen's care. He's run off three nurses from this floor, he bit Bree and he called Jessica a fat whore. He's just not cooperating with anyone. Dr. Chang refers to him as 'Sybil' and I can't tell you what the nutrition staff calls him, because I don't speak Spanish...You don't happen to know what El Chupacabra is, do you? Because that's what Jaime and Maria are calling him," she looked exhausted and troubled down to her bones.

Jaime and Maria were the on the nutrition team. They were responsible for delivering meals and such; they were the nicest people in the building. I wonder what he did to make them refer to him as 'the goat sucker'. This was so not like them.

I looked at Kate, handed her my things, pushed up my sleeves and sashayed out the door, like a superhero, minus the cape and smashing tights. Instead, I had an attitude bigger than the state of Wyoming and a stethoscope that I was prepared to wrap around Edward Cullen's neck.

I slammed the door to Edward's room open and it looked like World War 3 had started in there. There was shit strewn everywhere and the floor was littered with fluff and feathers. I held up two fingers and lifted them to my mouth. The resulting whistle was loud and shrill, simply ear piercing.

But it got that little fucker's attention.

I put my hands on my hips, drew myself up to full height and shouted at the top of my lungs, "This shit stops, NOW! What the fuck do you think you're doing Mr. Cullen?"

He looked at me and smiled slyly...

"Why Isabella, don't you know...I'm getting my way," he said, with a wicked and childlike gleam in his eyes.

I stomped over to his bed and lowered it to the flattest position I could. Forcefully, I turned him over onto his stomach and I proceeded to deliver ten hard slaps to his half covered ass.

"If you wanna act like a fucking two year old, Mr. Cullen, then I'll treat you like one...Don't you DARE fuck with me like this again, do I make myself clear?" I yelled, in perfect 'Mommy tone'.

He squirmed out of my grasp and I could have sworn I heard him squeal, "Oh Mommy, yes!"

"That's strike one for you, Mister! Two more and you're down for the count,"

AN…Thanks for reading…If you don't understand some of the words, look them up! Learn something new today!


	6. Chapter 6

Hy-dee Ho reader friends…Yes, I actually finished Chapter 6 before Easter! Again, thanks for the wonderful reviews and all of the alerting and favoriting going on, around my story! Some of you want to know if Edward will ever get to tell us his side of all of this…I'm willing, if that's what you want to see! But I'm not a mind reader…PM me or leave a review…I know, for a fact that there won't be another chapter, before Easter, so Happy Easter…Eat some chocolate bunny for me!

I'm sorry for not responding to reviews…but it's either write or respond! Maybe I'll have a chance to catch up, on Sunday evening…or I could just write…

**If you find yourself in a situation, where you've been the victim of a sexual assault, please seek police help! **

I am going to say this again! This is a fiction story…Being written for my entertainment and enjoyment and yours…That being said…sometimes I use a lot of ellipses and I write long paragraphs. That's just my style and I'm old and set in my ways, so that's probably not going to change…I don't want to hurt feelings or dissuade anyone from reading, but…What is, is!

I don't own anything, but a retarded (literally) cat named Mary-Alice.

This is for Debi, she knows who she is!

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 6

Bella

I just spanked Edward Cullen. I spanked him and man oh man did that feel good!

What? He was acting like a two year old, so I gave it to him, like a two year old. I'd had enough of his bullshit.

When he looked at me and said "Why Isabella, don't you know…I'm getting my way" along with that little glint in his eye and that ugh, that smirk.

Oh that was the straw that broke the Mommy's back. His room was in upheaval and he'd been shouting at everyone…Acting like a spoiled brat. He bit Bree…BIT HER!

And it was all because I asked to be reassigned back to my original duty. What a fucking crock! My son didn't behave this way even _when_ he was two years old.

I rolled Edward over and was not surprised to see he'd pitched a tent in his hospital gown. I almost had to laugh out loud. He looked like a sailboat, as he lay there flat in his bed, his very impressive erection at full mast…He caught me gawping at him and just had to wave it around a bit, in my face.

Ughhhhh! This man is going to be the death of me!

I made sure all of his parts were on the bed and then I inclined him so he was sitting upright. Now, it was his turn to gawp; he was ogling my breasts, which were practically tumbling out of my loose scrub top. I hated the crossover ones; they always gave the girls a nice stage to work on. I turned on my heel and just for his benefit, I swung my hips Jessica Rabbit style, over to the telephone.

He grunted and then let out a breathy groan. Oh yeah, Mommy was at the top of her game and to her surprise, she _was_ enjoying it, perhaps way too much!

I picked up the phone and dialed Darlene down in housekeeping. Each building had their own housekeeping crew and the day shift in this building was a horrible little Hobbit troll called Darlene and her cohort was another beauty queen called Deeanna. Darlene is about five foot nothing and has the face of a bulldog; no matter what her mood, she's always scowling! Deeanna is tall and large, with long stringy black hair; she talks with a lisp and suffers from chronic body odor and blepharospasms in both of her eyes…It makes her look like the human version of Ed the Hyena, from The Lion King. Kate called them the Lee sisters…Uglee and Stinklee…Still, they were hard workers and they were usually pretty tolerable. I told them the Dr. Chang's new patient need a major cleanup…

Darlene answered "Oh you mean 'Sybil'?"

When I told her exactly what needed to be done, she said she and Deeanna would be right up.

This was another 'payback' for our dear Mr. Bratty Brat Cullen. See, Edward is a good looking man stuck in a bed; Darlene and Deeanna are desperate women.

Get it?

As the girls walked in with their gear, I was preparing myself to walk out. I told them to take their time that I would be back for a vitals check after I met with Dr. Chang.

I saw Edward start to squirm. He motioned me over to him and I went, thoroughly enjoying this tortured entertainment.

"Is there a problem, Mr. Cullen?" I asked him formally. He looked up at me seeming quite irritated with me.

"Ms. Swan, are you intending on leaving me here with these…" He beckoned me closer with his crooked finger. I bent further. "Troglodytes?" He whispered into my ear.

"Yes Mr. Cullen, you're staying here with the ladies, while I conference with your treatment team, in order to develop a treatment plan. The ladies will take goooooood care of you, in my absence, won't you, girls?" I asked them. They both looked up from the mess they were tending and nodded vigorously.

"Isabellllllllaaaaah, please…Please don't leave me with the women society forgot," He begged. I smirked down at him…

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it Edward," I smirked. I Jessica Rabbit'd out of the room and as I walked away, I could hear both girls giggling maniacally.

Oh yeah, this was going to be fun!

The meeting with Dr. Chang, Edward's private physician and the rest of the treatment team went well. Since I am the primary nursing partner, I had to attend too. When I got back to Edward's room, I was happy to see that all of the havoc he'd caused had been cleaned up. He wasn't in his bed though and his wheelchair was still in the room. I called Maggie, the floor nurse and asked her if she'd seen Mr. Cullen around and she responded that she hadn't.

I called Housekeeping and they said that they'd left him in his bed, after they finished. He was sleeping. I was about to call security, when the door opened and in walked a mountain of a man, carrying Mr. Cullen in his arms. He was followed by a larger blond and a mouse of a girl who could only be Mr. Cullen's sister, Alice.

The Forks Firing Squad was back in business!

And I really didn't want to be in their line of fire, again…

Since he wouldn't be starting his therapy sessions until tomorrow, he didn't need me and I still had to report to Kate, before I left for home, so cautiously and carefully I snuck to the door. Easing it open, I was nearly there, when a giant hand grabbed for my shoulder.

"Hey, where ya goin' sweet buns?" the man with the dangerously placed hand said to me, as he proceeded to try and pull me back into the room.

My instincts kicked in and in less than a second, I had him in a headlock and had swung him over my shoulder, planting his big body hard on the floor. I then hard jammed my elbow into his windpipe.

"NO ONE touches me without my permission," I said. I palpated his windpipe to see if there was any damage there and when I was satisfied with what I saw, I got up and left the room. I didn't get more than a few feet before I had him trailing behind me again, in his wheelchair.

"Isabella, where are you going?" He asked as he wheeled up next to me.

"It's the end of my day…I need to report to Mrs. Cutler and then I need to get home. Believe it or not, I do have a life, outside of this hospital," My patience was waning and I was tired, he needed to back off.

Oh, okay…you need to get home to your husband? Boyfriend?" He was fishing for information and I was more than willing to confuse him.

"Yeah, I-uh…Something like that," I replied, looking sheepishly guilty. "And would you please either call me Ms. Swan or Bella…I've always really hated Isabella," I stated.

"Was that karate that you pulled on Emmett, back there?" What's with the twenty questions, I just wanna get home.

"No, It's Tae Kwon Do…I'm a red and black belt, but I'm taking the exercise for my black belt next week. At the end of March, I'm fighting in the state women's semi-finals," I told him. His eyes bugged out.

"Emmett weighs three hundred and fifty pounds and you dropped him as if he were nothing. How did you do that?"

"I learned from the best, I take care of my health and I practice…Which is why I have to get home, Mr. Cullen. Good evening," I said curtly as I turned and once again, tried to get down the corridor.

He followed me again.

"Is it because of my leg?" He asked, his eyes were vulnerable and his face, his face almost looked heartbroken.

"Is what because of your leg, Mr. Cullen?" I asked getting testy with him. I was getting tired of the questions; it had been a long day!

"Is my leg the reason why you won't let me get close to you; why you won't be in a room alone with me? I'm not the same person I was, six years ago, Ms. Swan. Life changed for me," Edward seemed very honest.

We really did need to talk.

I asked Maggie, at the nurses' to code me out and requested that she place a call to Kate and tell her I'd see her tomorrow, that I had diapers to change, at this moment and it couldn't wait. She nodded, confused, and left the message.

I turned around and grabbed the handles on the back of his chair, pushing him towards the quiet room I'd been in two times in the last three days.

"This is a quiet room, Mr. Cullen…No one from outside can hear in and we will not be disturbed by the noise from outside. Now, what is it you need to talk to me about?" I asked him, betraying absolutely no emotion.

He reached out and took my hand, holding it firmly with his. "I just want you to know how sorry I am, Ms. Swan. For making a mess out of both of our lives…For hurting you, like I did. There is nothing I wouldn't do to go back to that very first day and make things right."

"What's done is done, Mr. Cullen. Unfortunately, you can't go back and in life there are no 'do overs'. Terrible things happen to people every day and I've found that you can either run from it or learn from it. I chose to learn from my terrible thing," I said honestly.

"I know I have no excuse for my actions, that day or any other day before that, when I treated you like less than what you deserved. I was really messed up. I was messed up for a long time. Because of you, I got clean and I got healthy; I learned to live and instead of letting everything that's happened to me, in my life rule me; I was learning to accept those things and I was working towards the future," Edward said softly, penitently. His face was thoughtful; like he was laboring for each word he spoke.

I appreciated that in a person. Too many times we speak without using the six inches of space between our ears and then, our words just become worthless chatter.

He continued, "Then I had my accident and lost my leg. For a long time, I thought I wanted my life to be over and then, like a miracle, my angel walks back into my life and completely blindsides me with her grace and her beauty. And when I thought that there was nothing else more perfect than working to get her back in my life, she tells me I have a son and gives me something to live for. Don't you see, Bella? You saved me, twice," He reached out and stroked my cheek with his soft fingertips.

I closed my eyes and allowed his fingers the right to peruse my face. I sighed and realized that Edward Cullen was touching me in an intimate way and I wasn't throwing up or kicking him in the balls.

That's progress, right there!

He ran his thumb over my lips and I almost moaned; there was something so temptingly tantalizing in his simple touch.

Oh God! I wanted more!

_What the hell was going on with me?_

"When I met you, Bella, I wanted you; but in my mind, I knew you'd never consent to dating a fuck up like me. So I did what I thought I needed to do, to survive. I acted like I hated you so that in turn, you'd hate me and I wouldn't have to blame myself for not being good enough, on my own. It was a fucked up way of thinking, I'll admit that, but at the time, it made sense to me. I was either drunk or high or both, most of the time, so a lot of things that don't make sense to normal people, made sense to me," He dropped his hand from my face and I felt its absence everywhere; in my body, in my soul.

What the fuck was happening to me? I was supposed to hate this man, wasn't I?

His words made me think and in that thinking, there was my mother's voice, playing over and over in my ears.

"_Bella, everyone needs someone on their side…everyone deserves a second chance,"_

A second chance at what, though Mom? Life? He has a life without me in it.

"_No baby girl, he has an existence. There's a huge difference between living and existing. You and Liam could be his life,"_

But he raped me, Mom, how am I supposed to get over that? How am I supposed to look at him and see something good; something worthwhile? How am I supposed to give myself to a man who took me, against me will?

"_If you truly forgive him, Bella, the healing will come. Give it time and give it love and then let it grow,"_

And if it all blows up in my face? What happens then, Mother?

"_You go on with your life and you realize that no labor of love is in vain,"_

As quickly as her spirit entered my thoughts, it departed and I had to question my own sanity. Maybe I needed a CAT scan or something. I was just having an internal argument with my mother, who'd been dead for almost seven years.

She was right, though…Which is how I know that it was her and not my imagination. I would have never imagined, in my wildest thoughts, of pursuing a life with Edward Cullen. Maybe she was right; I mean, what did I have to lose, _other than my sanity_? I have a young son, at some time in my life; I'm going to lose my sanity anyhow; though I hear girls are harder on sanity than boys, especially in the teenage years.

I know that people are _not_ going to understand. I know that I'm probably going to catch hell for this, from most of the people in my life. But see, that's exactly it…It's MY life. I'm still wildly attracted to the physical attributes of Edward Cullen. And who knows, maybe with enough time and enough healing, I could be attracted to his mind, as well.

I definitely need a CAT scan!

Would you consider this Stockholm syndrome? I wasn't captive though; or maybe I was. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings.

"Bella?" Edward broke me out of my reverie and I looked over at him. His face was a mask of curious confusion. "Is everything okay?"

"Oh, yeah-Sorry Edward! I was just lost in my thoughts. Continue, please," I said meekly, trying to concentrate on him and not my crazy, highly scattered contemplations.

Edward looked at me and smiled; not a 'Hey baby, need a date?' type of smile. But a grin of warmth and genuineness; he took my hand and interlaced his fingers with mine. "Bella, I want to be a father to my son…to our son! I want to love him and guide him. I want to provide for him and for his mother. I'm not a fool; I know I have a long way to go!"

"I just don't know, Edward. Of course, I'll let you be a father to Liam. He's been asking for a father since he was three. But honestly Edward, I'm afraid to let you into my life…into my heart. What if it happens all over again? What if I fall for you and you destroy me? And there is another person involved in this, too…It's not just me, anymore; I have to think about Liam too," I confessed. I stood up; I had to pace. It was something I learned from my mother. She always paced when she was contemplating something important.

"I have a long way to go…We have a long way to go. I need to ask you two questions, Isabella…The answer to the first question will weigh heavily on whether I ask the second question or not." I came to stand in front of him and he reached for me. I allowed him to wrap his arms around my waist and rest his chin on my belly. Nodding for him to continue, I ran my fingers through his fine as silk hair. He looked up and me, practically purring.

"Bella, I need to ask your forgiveness, for the things I did to you, when we were younger. I am sorry for the names I called you. I'm sorry for the times I touched you in anger and I'm sorry for the rape. It was so beyond evil. I was out of my mind and I know that's no excuse…I'm not giving it as one. Will you please forgive me, for all the wrong I've done and let me mend the hurt and heartache with happiness?" He was being sincere; I could see the emotion, raging in his eyes.

"You are forgiven, Edward," I whispered softly. "You were forgiven a long time ago; but thank-you for saying the words. I needed to hear them and what was your next question?" I asked the man who was currently wrapped around my lower torso, like an octopus. His green eyes were shining with relief as the tears rolled down his face.

"My second question has to do with family. I want the three of us…You, my son and myself, to be a family. So my question would be what would it take to get us there?" He asked.

Strange!

When any other man in the known world wrapped his arms around me, it felt imprisoning and unnatural. Feeling Edward Cullen's arms around me felt almost safe; _completely_ natural, effortless. I pondered for a moment, really relishing in his embrace. I stood there for what felt like an eternity, tossing the question around, in my mind. If I was going to make demands, now was the time.

"Lay it all out on the table, Bella. If you want to add rules and stipulations, that time would be now. I will do anything to make you happy and secure a future with my family," Edward vowed.

Could I do this?

Could we be a family with Edward?

Ugh, this is so crazy! How many women even spoke to their attackers, much less even contemplated a life with them…A family? No, this is highly irregular.

The thought of having someone to love, who'd love me in return never even crossed my mind. It was simply a concept I couldn't grasp and to even think of that person as being Edward Cullen? That certainly did not compute!

My life was full and rich; I had the love of family and a few close friends. Yes, I was young, but for some reason, I didn't need all of those things those other girls my age did, in order to live my life. I didn't live for countless trips to the spa, for beautification in order to prepare for a date; hours and hours of shopping at the mall. Things like obsessive primping with a myriad of different jar, bottles and sprays to make me attractive to the opposite sex, didn't interest me in the slightest. Loud thumping music, neon lights, sweaty bodies and sloppy drunken advances were not things I wanted to take part in. Dates on Friday nights that lead to sex, followed by the walk of shame, the next day. I didn't need those things.

But love?

The thought of having a pair of loving arms to come home to, when the day had been filled with difficult patients and even more difficult administrators. The idea of having someone there, to share in the responsibility of raising Liam, was also something that never crossed my mind. Eventually, he would need someone to teach him what it means to be a man and right now, the only real man in his life is Jasper and there's no guarantee of Jasper being a permanent fixture therein. I, myself lived my entire life, thus far, without a father and even though my mother did an excellent job in loving me and raising me well, I always felt that there was that one little piece, missing from my life. There were so many pluses to having a man in my life…but did I want that man to be Edward Cullen?

Confusion…complete and utter chaotic confusion.

Everything happened for a reason. This was another truth my mother held close to her heart. But could I trust my heart and that one simple truth enough to let the man who'd acted so terribly wrong, into my life and make it into something fantastically right?

I guess I could try!

"First off, Edward, you have to get yourself out of this wheelchair and walking again," I told him, honestly. "I'm not being discriminatory and I'm not saying that you're any less of a man, just because you have a disability. But you have the ability to walk and Liam is going to need a father who can do the things he loves to do, with him," this wasn't entirely accurate; Liam would love him if he were stuck in a bed for the rest of his life. Edward needed motivation to be able to get himself out of the rut he was in, in regards to his rehabilitation. "Secondly, I need a signed contract from you, saying that you will NEVER touch drugs or alcohol again. Thirdly, you need to realize and accept that this thing or whatever this is between us, isn't going to happen overnight. I still have issues that have kept me from getting close to men. I want to get to know you, as a person, before I can even think about getting to _know_ you as a man. Does that make any sense?" I was laying it out on the table, just like he asked.

"It makes perfect sense, Bella! I'll follow your lead; we'll go as fast or as slow as you need to go. Can I make one small request, though?" He asked me, his eyes alight with what I could only describe as mirth. He pushed away from me slightly, leaving his arms wrapped securely around my waist.

"What's that, Edward?" I answered, still running my fingers through his auburn hair.

He sighed and looked up at me hopefully. "I'd like to see a picture of our son, if you have one with you."

It was still weird to hear someone say _our son_; maybe someday, I'll get used to that…

Now what had he asked me for?

Oh yeah, a picture.

I smiled at him and lifted my identification badge from my chest. I unwrapped myself from his embrace and pulled the cord over my head. It was just a plastic sleeve that held my security badge, but behind it, was a cute 3 ½ by 5 inch picture of my beautiful baby. It was his most recent T-Ball picture, taken in mid-July of last year. He looked so happy! The photographer said something about farting and that just made Liam's giggle dam break.

It was a priceless photograph.

Well, to a mom who's completely and totally in love with her child, it's priceless.

"This is your son, Edward, Liam Christopher Swan, born March 13, 2007 at 10:37 in the morning. He weighed nine pounds and twelve ounces and was twenty-five inches long. Your name is on his birth certificate, Edward. I wanted him to have that, in case anything ever happened to me, before he was old enough to have an amended story of his parentage," I took the badge and handed it to Edward, with Liam's picture facing down.

He looked at this piece of forty-cent piece of plastic, like it was made of gold and precious gems. Maybe it was, for Edward; to finally something to live for? In my mind, I was hoping that he'd finally find what it meant to love completely.

"He was four when this picture was taken. It's from T-Ball, last summer. He really loves sports and he's so smart. Ever since he was born, he's filled a space in my life I never even realized I had. When I say that he's my everything Edward, I mean it with all of my heart," I watched as Edward studied the photograph. Tears were spilling silently down his cheeks as he soaked up every little nuance about his son.

"My God, Bella! He's absolutely…I have no words for the wonder I'm feeling, at this moment. I'm completely blown away. You were right, he does look exactly like me. He's my carbon copy; my mini-me! When can I meet him, Bella? Can you bring him to the hospital, tomorrow?" I started to panic for a second. Then I had to tell myself that Edward was just as overwhelmed with seeing his son for the first time as I was, when I first saw Liam. It was just enthusiasm that powered Edward Cullen, right now! He wanted to meet his son and yesterday was not soon enough.

"Cool your jets, there, Turbo! We can't just spring this on him. Let me spend a few days talking to him; let me ease him into the mindset of having a father. He's a smart cookie and he loves meeting new people," I stated plainly. "Remember, this is going to take some time,"

"I'm sorry! I just never imagined I be a dad and now…Wow, I guess I just got overzealous at the thought," He mused.

I moved towards the door, "Why don't we get you back to your room; I'm sure you'd like to spend some time with your family and I need to get home. I'm late already and it's Root Beer and Pizza night."

Edward agreed with me and allowed me to push him back to his room. I turned Edward backwards and backed us both through the open door. Turning, we were greeted by the rest of the Forks firing squad. Funny, they didn't look so intimidating now. What I failed to see, was the petite icy blue eyed blond, whom I called cousin-in-law, walk in the room. She came to stand behind me, her arms crossed over her chest.

Alice Cullen chose that moment to spread ass all over her face, "Well, well, well…It seems as if the fat girl's all grown up!" She walked around Edward and got right in my face. "Remember my words, you ugly, disgusting piece of trash, you will NEVER, EVER be worthy of this man or this family. So you best just leave well enough alone."

Alice Cullen didn't have time to move away. She never even saw Tanya move…It was too late, though; by the time anyone knew what was happening, Tanya was laughing glibly and Alice was laid out on the floor. I looked down at the deranged woman who just tried to insult me….Ooooh! That looked like it hurt…

Yeah, that was going to leave a mark!

Tanya looked at the rest of them, who just stood there, completely flummoxed. I almost laughed out loud when Tanya yelled "Okay, who's next?"

AN: Thanks so much for reading and have a blessed holiday!


	7. Chapter 7

Sorry it's been so long…Been dealing with quite a few issues in my wonderful RL…I do apologize for the delay…

Here, we hear from Edward, for the first time. He's not going to be speaking out, very often…but he felt he had some 'splaining to do, so I had to let him have his turn.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT THIS IS A WORK OF FICTION AND HAS ABSOLUTELY NO BEARING ON REAL LIFE.

I don't own anything associated with Twilight!

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 7

Edward

It all happened so fast.

One minute, Alice was standing there, just begging me to go postal on her crazy ass and then there was a blur of blond hair- a flying fist and suddenly, Alice was on the floor.

She whimpered pitifully, looking around and trying to lock gazes with one of us. I'm sure she wanted some sort of sympathy or vindication for what'd just befallen her.

She fucking deserved it, the little trollop!

Alice brought this all on herself.

I should have never told her about finding Isabella, yesterday, when we spoke on the telephone. I knew in my heart of hearts, that Alice would blame Isabella for everything that happened to each one of us, since our high school graduation.

None of anything that happened to any of us was Isabella's fault; Alice is, after all, mentally ill.

The drugs she's been doing since the sixth grade had finally begun to take a toll on her already warped mind. It seemed like Alice had been diagnosed with every psychoses known to man. It ran in the Masen blood though. My mother was mentally ill and our grandmother was equally as ill or more so, than Alice is, right now.

I looked down at my sister, lying in front of me on the floor and the past seemed to play through my head like a terrifying made for TV movie.

As hard as I tried to forget it all, I couldn't.

I remembered all of the foul things I'd done, in my young life. I remembered all of the vile things I said to Isabella and her cousin…

What was his name, again? Jude? No…that wasn't it. Casper? No…

Jasper…Jasper Whitlock!

The first time I laid eyes on Isabella Swan, I loved her.

**Yes, I loved her!**

She was bold and beautiful…She wasn't one of those cookie cutter plastic girls that teemed Forks High like frogs or locusts. She had brains and she knew how to use them. She had panache and a style that was hers and hers alone.

I remember it, like it was yesterday.

I'd gone with Aunt Esme to talk to Charlotte Whitlock about one of the charities they co-chaired and when we walked through Mrs. Whitlock's office door, there she was.

Isabella was sitting in the corner of the room, curled up in a big wing backed chair. She was wearing an oversized grey UCLA sweatshirt and pink sweatpants. Her hair was pulled up into a messy pony tail on the top of her head and she wore large dark-framed glasses. Her face wasn't caked with makeup; she was fresh and natural.

I couldn't see the title of the book she was engrossed in, but she hardly even flinched, when we walked through the door. After a couple of seconds, I heard her sneeze, then sniffle and then blow her nose into a tissue she extracted from one of her pockets. Without even looking up, she stowed the tissue and went right back to her reading.

Mrs. Whitlock greeted us and looked over at her niece. She called out twice and then stamped her foot firmly on the hardwood floor. That got Isabella's attention and her head snapped up. She looked at us and pulled the ear buds from her ears. I just about melted onto the floor when her big brown eyes met mine. She smiled stiffly, sneezed and sniffed again.

Charlotte introduced us and explained that Isabella seemed to be terribly allergic to the clean air of the Olympic Peninsula, having spent most of her life, in Los Angeles. Isabella just nodded and went back to her reading.

I didn't see her again until school started back up, in September. By that time; I was all but strung out on whatever anyone had for sale. PCP, Blow, Smack, Ice, Crack, X…And if they weren't selling it, I was more than willing to let them share with me. I used every tool and trick in my arsenal, to get what I needed.

Nothing was off limits.

Flattery, sex, intimidation…violence even. Anything, really! I did things that would shame my name and my family. I hurt people, led women on…killed hearts and spirits and ruined lives to feed my fucked-upedness.

My life had been seriously screwed up, for a very long time.

When I was ten years old, I watched helplessly as my father drowned, in a rafting accident. That one single incident, in and of itself, was enough to damage me. But in her own despair, my mother took that one agonizing moment to a whole different level, altogether. I understand now, that my mother was sick and in tremendous pain, at the loss of my father. I am convinced that it was my father that kept my mother's sanity in check. It hung from a tenuously thin thread and when he was no longer the calming constant in her life, that thread just snapped. In her grief and mental illness, my mother shot me in the stomach before turning the gun on herself; she shot herself in the head and ended her own life after trying to take mine as well. She just wanted to be a family again and in her pain, she could see no other way.

After I was released from the hospital, I went to live with my Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle. Aunt Esme was my father's younger sister. They had a daughter my age, called Alice. Alice always marched to the beat of a different drummer. Some might have called her eccentric or peculiar even…

I just called her weird!

When I came to live with Esme and Carlisle, Alice had already been experimenting with tobacco and marijuana. We were in the sixth grade and to say that things escalated from there, would be a grievous understatement. Alice knew where to get all the right shit…Unfortunately, the right shit only made her nuttier. When we got to be freshmen in high school, Alice was all but addicted to several different street drugs and I was well on my way, down that same path.

Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle adopted me when I was thirteen years old and I went from being Edward Anthony Masen Junior to being Edward Anthony Mason Cullen the Second.

Yeah, the "the second" part…That was Aunt Esme's idea! To remind me that I was my father's junior. I just went along with it, because the drugs made me not give a flying fuck. It seemed to make Esme happy and when Esme was happy, she was oblivious to what was going on around her.

Then again, I really didn't give a flying fuck, right?

I guess, in our own ways, Alice and I were both self-medicating. For me, the drugs made the demons disappear; made the memories of watching both of my parents die hazy and less real…It was the escape from myself that I felt I needed.

For Alice?

Who knows, maybe the drugs made the voices in her head take a vacation. That was unlikely though; she talked back to them, almost constantly.

We added Rosalie Hale and Emmett McCarty to our fucked up "family", as freshmen in High School. Emmett was a serious jock who loved getting blitzed and letting other guys take their turns, with his girlfriend. He was large, as a freshman and he just kept getting bigger, as our High School years flew past. Rosalie was model beautiful. She was statuesque and blond, with more curves than the 101, between Aberdeen and Forks.

I never really knew, until much later, what the issues were, with these two. How desperately fucked up they both were. At the time, I didn't care. As long as I had enough drugs or booze in my system, to keep the thread on my own sanity from snapping, as my mother's had, I was overjoyed.

Like I mentioned before, Isabella Swan came into our midst, the summer before our senior year began. Isabella was perfection to my perfidy…She was everything that was good and gentle and beautiful and I was everything that was wretched and harsh and revolting. The more I watched her, like the ghoul I was, the more I loved her…The more I loved her, the more I hated myself.

I remember the first time I insulted her, to her face. I remember seeing her lower lip tremble and her eyes mist over with tears, but she refused to cry in front of me and my fucked up cronies. I made her feel as bad about herself as I felt about myself and there, we had common ground. In and of itself, that knowledge was like a powerful drug to me…the more I saw what being so atrociously cruel did to her, the more I craved it. I affronted everything I admired the most, about Isabella Swan. I turned her gorgeous curves into corpulent rolls of obese flesh, I turned her beauty into absolute hideousness and I turned her fantastic mind into a playground for the feeble. There was no beauteous flaw that was unnoticed and off limits to my inquest. In my sick and twisted, drug and alcohol saturated mind, we were equals. Love and hate were one in the same and since she would never love me, I made damn well sure she hated me as much as I hated myself.

Enter then, the moments of lucidity, where I absolutely hated her for being so perfected. When I came down from whatever high I was currently flying, I despised Isabella for being better than what I was…I was Edward Anthony Masen Cullen the second and I was golden. I got what I wanted, always. No matter what it was…when I wanted it, I got it. And if it wasn't given willingly, I took it, without thought to action or consequence.

But no matter how hard I tried, though, in my current state of addiction and instability, I couldn't have Isabella Swan.

That's when I doubled my efforts and physical violence started. The shoving…pulling her hair…forcing her face into the water fountain, at school. I guess I figured she should know that there were consequences for when someone thought they were better than another person; especially if that person was me. In all actuality, I didn't know how Isabella really felt…I never cared enough to ask her. I just assumed, because assumptions were way better than knowing the truth. She'd never love me, as much as I loved her and that was enough to kick my fucked up mind into the place it was… I had an excuse for my wickedness and that's all that mattered.

The morning of my high school graduation, I stooped to a completely new low. I'd been flying for days on a sick cocktail of heroin and whatever else I was handed. At that point in my life, I was no longer capable of caring what I put into my body. As long as the numbness came and I was able to shove the elephant in my mind, under the proverbial carpet, I was happy. We'd been playing 'happy, happy, joy, joy' with all of the other students, sans one, at the senior brunch they held at school. When I noticed that Isabella was absent from the festivities, I skulked out to the parking lot, to see if I could find her car. Maybe she was just hiding or holed up somewhere, with some guy…giving him what was rightly mine.

I was a man on a mission and that mission would, in the end, make me regret every action I'd ever taken against Isabella Swan.

I found her walking towards me, in the parking lot. She was carrying her bag and a thick envelope…the kind that are often filled with important papers. She seemed to be off in her own little world when she slammed, face first, into my chest.

I felt myself glare at her!

I heard the filth pour out of my mouth!

I watched, helplessly, as the monster in me, dragged her off into the forest and committed the most monstrous act a man can commit against a woman.

He raped her.

He hit her…called her horrible names and stomped her into the dirt. At first, she fought against him and then, she just seemed to fade away. She stopped screaming, stopped fighting and for a moment, it seemed she'd stopped breathing.

He didn't care.

He just continued to pound our body into her innocence!

He roared as he spilled his seed into her and she just whimpered slightly.

I felt myself push her away from me…I kicked dirt on her already filthy prone form as I zipped myself up and turned to leave the scene, bearing a smug smile on my face. Yes, she was leaving…No, she would never forget what I'd just done to her. I'd be in her memory forever!

I hadn't even made it a step away from where she lay gasping, whimpering...and realization of what I'd just done hit me like a ton of oversized bricks.

When I turned back to look at the fallen woman on the ground, covered in dirt and the debris of my act, I began to panic. Without a second thought, I ran…I ran out to the parking lot. Bypassing my car, I ran as fast as I could muster, straight to the place where I knew I could find the chemical solace I required after having raped and demoralized the object of my dangerous affection.

They were all over at Emmett's house.

Alice, Rosalie and Emmett, they'd been waiting for me. They were all gathered around Emmett's dirty kitchen table, staring at the salvation in front of them. Heroin, acid, pot…It was a junkie's smorgasboard of demonic deliverance and I jumped at the chance to remove the pictures that were currently on fast forward-play-rewind-fast forward-play, in my mind.

Three days later, I woke up in an unfamiliar bed, in a bright white room. I was restrained at the wrists and ankles, by heavy brown leather cuffs, attached to the bed. It was okay though; I was too weak to move anyhow. There was an IV tube attached to my hand and I could hear the beeping of the various machines that monitored my internal processes.

A hospital?

I was hoping for a front row cell in the pits of hell. I never for a moment, while I consumed massive amounts of alcohol and ingested, injected and inhaled more drugs than Steven Tyler, thought I'd live through that night.

Yet here I was…In the hospital.

I don't remember a lot of what happened while I was there, in that hospital room. I remember my aunt and uncle being very upset and ashamed of my decisions and I remember them telling me that my friends and my cousin were all in jail, awaiting charges and court dates. I remember being discharged and taken, post haste, to Sea-Tac, to be put on an airplane bound for California. I never told anyone about what I did to Isabella Swan…I couldn't stand to have them see me, as I saw myself.

I was placed in an inpatient rehab facility called Saving Grace, near Joshua Tree, in the high desert of Southern California. I was an inpatient for a little over four months. At first, dealing with my multiple addictions consumed all of my time and energy. I wanted to get clean and then I wanted to heal.

Eventually, I wanted to find Isabella Swan and make amends for what I'd done to her.

There were days when I just wanted to die! The pain and sickness of not having the drugs I'd been so passionate about, over the years, was agonizing. After the physical hold of the drugs waned, then I had to face what made me turn to the drugs, in the first place. I had individual therapy and group therapy, every day. Saving Grace also had what they called 'soul therapies' as well as medically supervised therapy. There were things like rock climbing or wood working workshops…horseback riding and cooking classes. I threw myself head first into wood working, horseback riding and cooking. That's how I met Garret Pace and his wife Lindsey.

They became my mentors and my best friends.

After my time at the center was over, I had a hard time reconciling to the fact that I had nowhere to go, except back to Washington. My time in Joshua Tree made me feel alive again and I didn't want to lose that feeling and end up relapsing, once I returned to Forks. I'd worked very hard to be a better man. The day before I was scheduled to leave the center, Garret approached me with a very welcomed offer.

Aside from being counselors at the center, Garret and Lindsay also owned a very lucrative horse ranch, just about five miles east of the center. Garret told me that he was looking to take some time to relax; he was getting up in age and needed to spend more time with Lindsey. He needed someone he could trust to help him with the day to day operation of the ranch and it seemed, to him, that I was the right man for the job, if I wanted it.

I did! Working with Garrett was just what the doctor ordered. I had my run of his bunk house and he paid me well. The work was hard; back breaking at times…but I wouldn't have traded it for anything. Still, there were times, when the sun was setting and I sat on my front stoop with a cigarette and a glass of sweet tea, full of regret for the things I'd done.

Especially to Isabella!

I'd spent many an evening searching the internet for her. I knew she'd planned to return to Los Angeles and study at UCLA, but both Los Angeles and UCLA were big places. I really felt I needed to make amends for what I'd done. Yes, it was bad and no, I didn't think she could ever forgive me for what I'd done, but I had to try.

Working and living with the Pace's was the best decision I'd ever made, in my life. Garret taught me the ins and outs of running the ranch and was the best shoulder I'd ever had in my life, to lean on. He was completely nonjudgmental and accepting of me and my life. Lindsey, his wife, took me under her wing and became the mother I'd never had, but always needed. Carlisle and Esme were always there for me, but they never understood or even tried to understand how my life got so messed up. They were always looking for a way to assign blame. The truth was, I was the one responsible for the mess that was my life. I was the one who chose the drugs, over talking to someone about what I'd gone through. I was the one who tried to ease my feelings with alcohol and illicit relationships with women.

I was to blame; Garret and Lindsey helped me work through that. They helped me see that life doesn't just stop because you did something stupid. They showed me that even the vilest of offenders has something good inside of them, waiting to be set free. I was making big strides in my life, while I learned to love the land. Caring for the animals helped to heal my broken spirit as well. I found that caring for something that could not care for itself was very rewarding. I discovered that I really loved working with my hands and that at the end of the day, I could look at myself in the mirror and love the person I saw looking back at me.

I continued with my recovery program as well. I discovered, while in treatment, that recovery was something you had to work on every day of your life. It wasn't like going to school, where when you were done with the assigned curriculum, you were done and that was that. No, recovery was a daily exercise in self-control. There were good days and there were days when the temptation to use was worse than when I was using.

I was still going to individual counseling sessions, with my therapist from the center, once a week. I even got involved with the Baptist Church in town! Faith really does move mountains.

I got help with my problems, thanks to Carlisle and Esme…and thank the good Lord, I had the fortitude to take that help. Unfortunately, my friends were not as fortunate as I.

Emmett and Rosalie were married, right out of High School. Rosalie gave birth to their first son, Richard Emory, six months after the ink had dried on their marriage license. Both of them had issues with being young parents and by the time little Richie was two years old, child protective services had already removed him from their home, three times. They'd never learned how to cope with life's problems, so when the stress level rose, they both turned to drugs and alcohol. When their second son, John Louis was came along, he was born addicted to methamphetamine and because of that, both children were removed from their home. Emmett and Rosalie were forced into rehab, anger management and parenting classes. After they finished their respective programs, they were reunited with their children. Johnny was eighteen months old and Richie was four. As far as I knew, they were both coping well enough, with the ebb and flow of life and had had no further issues with child protective services.

Alice, on the other hand, was another story.

After her arrest, that night in June, she was diagnosed with schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. She became gravely narcissistic and slightly psychotic. Esme and Carlisle tried their best to keep her in line, but the pull of illegal drugs was always so strong, with Alice. She was sneaky and hid things from her parents well. By the time she was twenty, she'd been through three rehabs, with less than favorable results. She'd overdosed twice and had been arrested more times than I could shake a stick at, for various charges. She couldn't be trusted to live alone, because she was too unpredictable and entirely too unstable, so she lived with my aunt and uncle.

Recently, though things were starting to look up for Alice. She stopped actively using and started taking her prescribed meds, every day. She started seeing a therapist and she even started attending group therapy for people with issues just like hers.

She was still nuttier than a fruitcake, but at least she was contained and in some sort of program.

I'd been living in Joshua Tree for almost four years, when my life changed again. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon and I was riding the motorcycle that Carlisle and Esme'd given me for my twenty-first birthday, home from church. Out of nowhere, a big boat of a sedan came barreling down the street, towards me, in my lane of traffic. I had to drop my bike to avoid being hit head on. When I dropped the bike and tried to roll myself away from Battlecar Galatica, the driver swerved at the last second. All I felt, when the car hit me, was an excruciating crushing pain in my right leg.

As I lay there, shock beginning to take its hold on my body, I realized that I could not move. My leg was pinned between the pavement and the wheel. The realization that I was trapped was the last thought I had, before I lost consciousness.

When I woke, I was back in the hospital. This time, at Hi-Desert Med Center, in Joshua Tree. Garret and Lindsey were right there with me and they'd called Esme and Carlisle. Once I was stabilized, they transported me, via helicopter, to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. The doctors there, tried their best to save my leg, but the damage was too severe. When the driver of that car struck me, the wheel of his car crushed my tibia and fibula, almost completely. My leg was basically severed in half.

A week after I had my accident, I became a below the knee amputee, at the age of twenty-two.

Feeling like less of a man, I fell into darkness. When I was once again faced with a rehabilitative hospital, I shut down completely. I didn't want to be in rehab again. My loved ones all tried to explain to me, that it was physical rehab, not drug rehab…But to me, rehab was rehab. I felt like I'd once again, failed myself as a human and a man. Thinking that this just might be my penance for the bad things I'd done, in my life, I realized that this would be my life, for the rest of my life! Depressed, I refused all efforts at getting me back to the place I'd been, before my accident. In a lot of ways, I felt like I deserved this. I just wanted to fade away and never have to think about being a 'whole man' ever again.

For months, Esme and Carlisle shopped around for rehabilitative hospitals that would meet my needs. I told them many times that I didn't want or need to go to another hospital. I just wanted to be left alone and that was that. I could no longer walk or get myself into a saddle, so my time with the Paces was finished, or so I thought. I became a victim of my own 'stinkin' thinkin', I'd lost hope and that was not a good thing.

I was unbearably moody, intrinsically short with anyone who came within three feet of me and impossibly maudlin in mourning the loss of my leg and my old life.

When Carlisle and Esme mentioned taking me back to Los Angeles, to another hospital, I'd finally reached the end of my rope. All I wanted to do was to be left alone and if working this program at the hospital they were suggesting, would get me to that point, then I was all for it.

I agreed to one three month stay at Rancho Los Amigos, in LA.

How could I know that agreeing to this, even haphazardly, would result in my world being turned totally upside down and rearranged in a way I couldn't have understood, if I tried.

AN/ Thanks for reading…Hopefully I won't take two months to get the next installment out to you.


	8. Chapter 8

Hello all…Sorry I've been so tardy in getting this chappie finished. My real life is what's most important and I write when I can…It's been a busy summer, filled with bumps in the road! But my daughter is back in school and I have more quiet time for writing.

Thanks for the reviews from last chapter…I appreciate them tremendously…

I'd just like to take a couple of sentences and say thanks, to my guest reviewers…But to those who think it's okay to slam my story…Three things…#1. This is MY story and I'll write it however I see fit! Rest assured there will be a HEA and we are only seven chapters into the story…#2. No matter how much you love fanfiction (I love it too…read it every day) it is still just fiction. I can guaran-darn-tee you if you go to Forks Wa. today, (I was there in June of 2012 ) you will NOT find any vampires and werewolves, dukin' it out in the fight of the century! This is for my enjoyment and for your entertainment; if you're not entertained, take your marbles and go elsewhere…In a fandom this huge, be assured, you will be able to find whatever you're looking for…#3. To the guest who insinuated that I have a "rape fantasy"…Oh honey, you so missed that mark! As far as being ashamed of myself….HAHAHAHA, I laugh in your face! I'm actually quite proud of myself…This story is being written to show that FORGIVENESS CAN BE ACHIEVED, WHEN SOMETHING TERRIBLE HAPPENS, IN LIFE! I have talked with a few of my readers, who have been through traumatic experiences and I've lived them, myself…TWICE! I have heard, through this, some of the most amazing stories of forgiveness and strength and courage! Shame? No ma'am!

**To each reader who's reached out to me, in a personal way…Thank-you for sharing your stories of courage, strength and bravery! You make me proud and the rest of this story is entirely dedicated to each of you! **

Okay, well…I'm climbing down from my soapbox and going back to my writing, so y'all can have a chapter.

I don't own anything that remotely resembles Stephenie Meyers' Twilight…I DO own the right to say this baby is mine!

Her Loving Heart

Chapter 8

Bella

I turned at looked at Tanya.

She was still smiling and looked completely satisfied with herself.

"How 'bout you, fatty….or maybe chumbawumba next to you, wants to give my cousin a hard time. I knocked the little fairy fruitcake down with just one poke in the schnoz…I can't even begin to imagine the kind of hole in the floor I could make, with you Big Boy," Tanya exclaimed, motioning to Emmett and Rosalie. They both looked like they wanted to fade into the wallpaper.

"Uhhh," Emmett stammered. "Not me, honey! I just got my ass handed to me on a plate, by a beautiful woman and though the thought is kinda hot, the reality of ending up on your back after having been standing? Yeah, not so attractive, from my point of view," Emmett McCarty blushed bright red, having had to admit that he'd been bested by the one person he'd treated as though she were absolutely nothing.

"Heh, I guess what they say is true! The bigger you are, the harder you fall," Tanya quipped.

"No doubt there," Emmett choked out, looking sheepishly up at the ceiling.

It was at that moment that Doctor and Mrs. Cullen decided to walk through the door of Edward's room. They looked at Alice on the floor and then at Tanya and myself.

Alice Cullen, seeing the opportunity for misplaced sympathy began to howl balefully. Doctor Cullen looked down at his daughter, laid his hand on his wife's shoulder and then, he began to laugh. Mrs. Cullen soon began to snicker as well and then it became an all-out guffaw. I looked over at the perfect picture of a high society doctor and his wife, dressed impeccably and they were both doubled over in full rolling belly laughter.

All of a sudden, Dr. Cullen's laughter stopped and he looked down at his daughter. He coughed twice and then a mask of annoyance and dare I say, anger, dropped over his normally calm demeanor.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Mary Alice. Stop the damn caterwauling…We saw and heard what happened on the security monitor, from the nurse's station and I do have to say that seeing you get your comeuppance, in regards to the way you just treated Ms. Swan is almost refreshing," He said to the howling banshee on the floor. "Now, get your damn ass up off of the floor and somebody please explain to me why you can almost cut the tension in this room, with a knife,"

I looked at Edward and he looked back at me; Sighing, he nodded. I pulled up a chair next to his wheelchair and sitting down, I began to tell the story of how things were, when I lived in Forks. Edward took my hand in his, as I began to tell the hardest parts of the story. I shrugged away from his touch, at first; then when I got to Liam's part in the story, he took my hand again and would not let it go.

As I finished, Mrs. Cullen was crying almost inconsolably and Doctor Cullen looked like he wanted to kill Edward and his friends. Walking toward me, he stopped in front of my chair and pulled me up and out of it, into a bone crushing hug.

"Ms. Swan, you must think us to be the most horrible people on the planet. We went through all of that security shit, with you the other day…all of the investigating and here you sit, telling us that our son and our daughter abused you in the worst possible ways growing up? I am ashamed of myself…of my family and our treatment of you," He told me as he held me to him, in a very fatherly way.

I let go of Doctor Cullen and sat back down in my chair.

"See, that's the hardest thing of it, Doctor Cullen. I don't think you're all horrible people. Well maybe with the exception of Alice," All heads turned as Alice screamed and made like she was going to run at me.

Mrs. Cullen, using her amazing "Mom powers" caught her by her ear and pulled her back.

"You fucking bitch…You just wait! I'll fucking show you…" Her voice trailed off into another shriek as her mother pulled her ear tighter and harder.

"Enough of this, Mary-Alice! I can see that you are absolutely not ready to be out in public, yet. I'm calling Doctor Marcus and you'll be taking the next fight back to Belleview," She said to her daughter who was still mewling like an injured kitten.

Esme Cullen called over to Emmett, "Emmett, will you please take Alice back to our hotel and stay with her until Doctor Cullen and I return?" Emmett nodded his head and crossed the room with Rosalie at his side.

With Emmett on one side of her and Rosalie on the other, they escorted a fuming, but silent Alice Cullen out of the room. As the door to Edward's room closed, I could see two of our top security guards, Mark and Terence, following behind the processional.

Mrs. Cullen crossed to me and knelt down in front of the chair I was currently perched upon. She looked up at me with her big, tear filled green eyes…Edward's eyes.

Liam's eyes.

Grasping my hand in her small one, she spoke softly, "I have a grandson? Did I hear you correctly, child?" She said softly, almost reverently.

I nodded slightly and looked at our conjoined hands. My heart grew fearful and heavy for just a moment, thinking that if they knew about Liam, that they'd try and take him away from me. It only lasted for a moment.

I had as strong a will as they did…

No, my pockets weren't as deep, but I had my resources. Liam was my life, my all in all. He was the reason I worked every day to overcome what happened to me.

I looked over at Edward and then back to his parents and I suddenly felt the urge to run. Anxiety filled me as adrenaline began to pump through my veins.

Mrs. Cullen was speaking, but I couldn't decipher any of the words she was saying. I barely registered standing and begging them to excuse me, as I ran out the door and down the corridor. I didn't stop running until I'd made it to my car. Stopping at the rear bumper, I bent over panting. Only then, did I realize that I'd made a grievous error…I'd left all of my things, including Tanya, back at the hospital. The only thing I had on me was my cell phone.

I was so distracted with texting Tanya and begging her to pick up my handbag and the rest of my gear, that I didn't hear the golf cart approach and stop, not more than two feet behind where I was standing. I sent the text and then jumped when I heard Tanya's phone chime, behind me.

She smiled sweetly and held up my purse and my lunch box.

"I was a mile ahead of you, in thinking, doll! Thought you might need this, if you were planning on leaving the garage, anytime soon," She giggled lightly.

I grabbed my things and thanked my cousin in law. I knew that she understood my reason for running and therefore, wouldn't hold it against me, that I just took off like a bat outta hell. She smiled, patted my hand and turned the golf cart back towards the hospital, saying she'd call me in a bit. I reminded her about pizza night and she nodded saying that Jasper was on duty tonight, but she and Claradith would be over, as soon as she got home and changed her clothes.

Enthusiastically, I called Aunt Charlotte and asked her to call and order the pizzas and I'd pick them up on my way home. She asked why I was so tardy in leaving work and I told her that I'd explain after Liam went to bed.

Starting my car, I pulled out of the parking lot and into the hell known as Los Angeles rush hour traffic. An hour later, I pulled into my driveway with three large pizzas, a twelve pack of Dad's Root Beer and a pink box containing a couple dozen zeppoles from Veniero's Bakery on 1st Avenue. Liam loved the little Italian doughnuts as much as I did.

As soon as I slammed my car door shut, the front door of my house flew open and my Noodle-Boy dressed as a confused superhero, "flew" out to meet me. He loved helping me, by carrying my bags, while I carried in his precious food and drink. He chattered amiably as we made our way into the house.

Fifteen or twenty minutes after I made it through the door, Tanya let herself in, carrying Claradith. Liam squealed and offered to play with his chubby blond haired angel in the living room, while "Mom gets the grub on," I really needed to speak to Jasper about his verbiage, when speaking around Liam.

I didn't have a lot of time to linger over pizza. It was a dojan night and I still had to shower and dress and then get there. Liam was busy telling me about his day, while stuffing down 'peckeroni and pimeapple' pizza and slurping his root beer. It was nice having a full table and there was never a dull moment with Tanya and Charlotte in attendance. Though the highlight of the evening had to be when Claire snagged a slice of pizza from the table unbeknownst and proceeded to wipe her chubby little face with it.

Memo to me: To avoid small babies covering themselves in greasy pizza drippings and red sauce, remind Tanya to make sure the highchair is far enough away from the table.

I still had yet to deal with my anxious flight from Edward Cullen's hospital room.

Thankfully, Tanya didn't bring it up and Charlotte was blessedly in the dark, over the whole situation. I wasn't ready to admit my fears…I just wanted a small modicum of normalcy; a slice of ritualistic pizza and a slurp of familiar root beer on a Thursday night, with my family. What I didn't want was to think of someone trying to usurp my routine by inserting themselves into my life. I needed that familiarity and the feeling of control. Things in our lives were starting to feel so upside down.

Maybe I should take Jasper's advice and escape to the mountains for a week or two.

There was one thing I refused to feel and that was helplessness. Victims were helpless and I was not a victim…

No, I was a survivor.

On my way to dojan, that evening, I called Kate. I needed some time to regroup and reassess…Over the phone, she approved my request for vacation, to commence in two weeks' time. I called Jasper and left a message as to what I'd decided and he whole-heartedly approved.

Now, I just had to prepare my whiney baby of a patient and get him to realize that I needed the time away. I worried, because in the past two days, he'd really acted out when he didn't have my undivided attention. I refuse to play the part of Mommy in his little melodrama and I refuse to be abused, as I once was.

If this was going to work, Edward Cullen was going to have to grow the hell up!

I worked out hard, at dojan, tonight. Sah Bum Nim Park commented on my lethality and my speed. Tonight, I'd knocked my sparring partner to the mat more times than ever before. Yuki was older and stronger than I, but I was in a place where my mind and my body were working as one against my opponent.

Nim Park came to me, after I was finished with a warning.

"Mih-in," he said, his sage-like voice using the Korean word for pretty girl. It was the closest translation to the original meaning to my name that he could come up with. "Don't try to cover the whole sky with the palm of your hand," He spoke softly, but with strength and wisdom.

"I don't understand, Nim…What does that mean?" I looked at him and I knew he could feel my confusion. It was palpable, even to me. He brought his hand to my shoulder in a fatherly way and smiled at me, his eyes crinkling around the edges.

"Child, one can only "cover" the sky if he covers his own eyes, but the sky is still there and will not be denied in its existence. Therefore, this is a very foolish thing to do, to try and mask your troubles…They will still be there, when you remove your hands," He warned. Seeing me in a greater state of confusion, he spoke again. "Do not work so hard, my daughter, to understand my words. When the time is right, you will understand them, fully," I nodded to him and then bowed in respect to my master.

I was thankful for his words!

Nim Park didn't speak often, outside of giving instruction, so when he took the time to speak it was up to you to listen and take heed.

As I grabbed my bag from the floor, I saw Yuki's feet, standing behind me. Turning, I greeted her.

"Hi Yuki, I hope I wasn't too hard on you, tonight!" I commented to my sparring partner.

"Not at all, Bella; I could tell you were in another place…It was my honor to help you find your inner peace and all that mumbo jumbo," Yuki tried to conform to the standards of being a mistress in training. Sometimes, though, she missed the mark and slipped back into Yuki Cho, Los Angeles DMV clerk…Her job outside the walls of the dojan. "I was wondering something. We, some of the other ladies and I, are planning a Tae Guk Jang demonstration for the competition, next month and I was wondering if you would like to participate. It's not going to be difficult. Just our Dojan Tae Guk and some dance moves, paired with some sort of hip-hop type music. If you're interested, come on down on Sunday afternoon and we'll have a go at it," Yuki smiled widely, bowed and then disappeared into one of the other classrooms. She always got to the point and never minced or wasted words.

I grabbed my things and headed out the door, taking Yuki's proposal along, with all of my gear. It might be fun, to cut loose with some of the other girls and show the boys what we're really made of. Dancing also enhanced flexibility and I could always use more of that. One could never be too smart or too flexible.

I had rhythm and I was relatively graceful.

Why not?

The drive from the dojan back home was quiet and for once, I was at peace in my soul. Yes, this whole business with Edward Cullen was somewhat overwhelming, but I was a big girl and I'd handled worse things in my life. I contemplated many things, while I drove. My vacation was scheduled two weeks from today and I'd taken two weeks of vacation time. I was thinking that a week at Jasper's cabin would be perfect. That would give Liam and I plenty of time away and I'd still have a week back at home, to prepare for my tournament.

Pulling in to my driveway at home, I noticed a strange car parked on the street in front of my house. I hurriedly pulled my bags from the car and rushed into the house, calling out for Aunt Charlotte, as I came through the front door. She called back to me, stating that "they" were in the living room.

Who were "they" and what the Sam Hill were they doing in my living room?

As I passed through my kitchen into the living room, I began to feel the dread and despair seeping into my psyche. I'd just spent two hours, trying to rid myself of these feelings and here they were, back on my front doorstep.

Just goes to show you, you can never outrun your circumstances…You can never cover the sky with the palm of your hand…

I rounded the corner from the kitchen to the living room and gasped. There, in my comfortably appointed space, sitting across from my aunt was Carlisle and Esme Cullen. They'd obviously been enjoying a bit of conversation and a spot of Earl Grey with my aunt.

Suffice it to say, I was a lot put off.

"I'm not even going to ask what's going on here, because I think it's rather obvious. What I need to know is where is my son and how much does he know?" I asked the three adults currently seated in my living room. Even to myself, I sounded terser than was called for. I was living in the moment and not concerned at frivolities, such as the tone of my voice.

Aunt Charlotte rose from her seat and smiled at me; Always the lady, she was…

"Bella dear, Dr. and Mrs. Cullen arrived well after I'd put Liam down for bed. He knows no more about this whole situation, than he did, when you left for dojan. Why don't you come and have a seat, talk with the Cullens for a time," she said, ushering me to a seat on the sofa, directly across from Liam's grandparents. "I'll go and fix you a cup of tea,"

With that, Aunt Charlotte made her way back to the kitchen, giving me the opportunity to address the Cullen elephant in the room.

I looked at the two older adults with what I could only even guess was shock and disdain, written all over my face.

Really?

Who did they think they were coming to my home, uninvited this way?

"I don't know why you two are here but if you think for a second, that I am just going to let you see my son and insert yourselves into his life, you are sorrowfully mistaken," I stated bluntly. I felt I needed to show them now, that I am a cunning adversary and that they were not going to covet what I had so carefully nurtured and cultivated.

"Isabella, we just came to talk," Dr. Cullen stated as Mrs. Cullen nodded her head enthusiastically. "And the words we spoke with your aunt really had nothing to do with you or your son. When we found out that you were not here, we were happy to sit and catch up on old times, with Charlotte. My wife and your aunt worked together many times, on charity committees and the like. It's been nice to reminisce on times past," He finished.

Esme Cullen seated her cup on the saucer that was placed on the coffee table, in front of her.

Looking up at me, she smiled.

"You left so suddenly, this evening and in such a state of upset, we felt we needed to make sure you got home safely. _I_ wanted to make sure you were okay. After you left, we spent a long time, talking to our son about his behavior and the situation we've just today, been made aware of. We had no idea!" She said gently. "If we had known of the vendetta he and Alice and the other two had waged against you, we would have stopped it, immediately…Stepped in and done something to help. What you went through was in my opinion, the most horrible thing and I almost feel responsible. I could see that both Edward and Alice were headed in a downward spiral and did nothing, until Edward almost died, from that overdose," She finished, the tears sweeping down her cheeks in steady rivulets of grief. I could see the honesty in her eyes. Dr. Cullen reached for her hand and held it against his chest, protectively.

"Isabella, we don't want to disrupt your life or the life of your son. We aren't going to make this any more difficult on you, than it has been already. We would though, if you're amenable, like to be a part of our grandson's life. Yours as well, in any capacity that you see fit," Dr. Cullen stated. He seemed sincere and I relaxed at that.

"Edward told of us of his love for you and his desire to make you and his son, his priority in recovery; of his desire to become a family. Though I'm pleased at his dedication to making amends for what he's done, I'm reticent to believe that this is even possible. What he did was heinous and beyond reproach!" Mrs. Cullen stated, sniffling lightly as Dr. Cullen handed her his handkerchief. She dabbed at her eyes and then blew her nose, daintily…Even in this difficult situation, she was a consummate lady. "How is it possible for you to forgive such a deliberately evil act enough to see him as not much more than a monster? Going beyond that, to see him as a man, worthy of your love and the love of your son…I don't really understand,"

"Mrs. Cullen, my mother was big on faith. Her love of God and people was so vast that it seeped into every corner of her life. She taught me well and insisted that I learn that people sometimes do terrible things. She also taught me that we are all the same and that we all, every one of us, deserve not only forgiveness but a second chance as well. She taught me that everyone needs someone on their side and if we can see past their offenses, sometimes we might even come to cherish the person that they truly are, inside. We all make mistakes and God forgives those mistakes…If I cannot forgive, that's like me saying I'm better than or know more than God. That's not true and it's not good. I miss my mother, Mrs. Cullen. She was my best friend, my mentor and my life. It would dishonor her memory, if I forgot or didn't hold fast to the things she taught me and I never ever want to dishonor her or bring her memory shame," I explained. I know, that to most, my reasoning sounded far-fetched or immature…unrealistic. To me, though, it made perfect sense. A person can only live what they've learned, as a child. I felt honored, that my mother loved me enough to make sure I knew how to live and love others the way I wanted to be loved.

"You are wise beyond your years, Isabella Swan. Please rest assured, that Mrs. Cullen and I are here to support both you and Edward in any way we can. We will not try to inject ourselves into your life or the life of your son…We just want to do our part as grandparents and friends. I hope that eventually, you can see that we only have the most honorable of intentions. Rest assured also, that Mary Alice will be on her way back to Belleview Hospital, in the morning. We thought she'd be okay, seeing her brother and obviously that wasn't the case. There is no excuse for her behavior, beyond the fact that she is a very sick young woman," Dr. Cullen said, sipping at the remainder of his tea.

"Being in the medical field and having done a psych rotation, during my internship, I understand her illness. It's obvious that she needs treatment and more medication. I will never hold anything against someone who is ill, but please understand that cannot allow her contact with my son and I don't want her anywhere near me. She seems to hold the same general opinion of me, as she did when we were in school," I surmised. "In two weeks' time, Liam and I will be leaving to spend some time up North, at my cousin's cabin. I don't know how well Edward is going to take that and I just wanted to prepare you, so that you can help me prepare him. We _will_ be back but I'm going to use the time to tell Liam about his dad and his other family and I really need some time and some solitude, to be able to absorb all that's gone on in the past week," I finished.

Looking around, I noticed that my aunt still had not returned. I rose from my spot and walked into the kitchen and found her at the table, working a crossword puzzle. She waved me back into the living room, signaling she was okay and giving me the space I needed to share with the Cullens, what I needed to share.

Carlisle and Esme Cullen left an hour later, after a few more tears, a bit more tea and lots of hugs. They understood where I was coming from and they supported every decision I needed to make concerning my relationship with their son and my relationship with _my_ son.

Things were looking a little brighter for me, as I crawled into bed. I was beginning to envision a future for Liam and myself. I could see the light on this path, beginning to shine.

What I couldn't see was a dark, lithe figure leaving a downtown hotel, in search of a way to destroy all that I held dear.

AN: Well there ya go! I'm going to try and not make you wait almost three months for another update, but I never know what real life is going to bring, with each new day and that's what's most important to me! See ya when I see ya!


End file.
